Your Suicide Note--part 1

Guy,

I won't even begin to ask for forgiveness for what we have done, but I hope you will come to understand that this final, desperate act of ours is as much an acknowledgement of wrongdoing on our part as it is an overture for peace. I do not ask for your forgiveness, but at some level I want to be understood. Since I offer you your sons, I think you are obligated to hear what I have to say.

There is no mistaking the fact that I envied you: my life came so very close to ending before it ever began--and you had everything I could ever want. Before I left high school I knew that I would get a university education. What I didn't know was that it would take 25 years (and a lot of temporary jobs) before I finally finished my Ph.d. Chelsea wouldn't agree to have kids until I had a stable job, and there were no jobs until the late 90's. By the time I had a tenure track position, Chelsea had passed her childbearing years.

Enter Dierdre. She was more intense than any assistant I ever had and when I was lecturing, I could see that her eyes and attention never left me. The entire world seemed hers for the taking (losing as I now see it) and, the complete idiot that I am, I was flattered by her attention. Well, it didn't take too many meetings before we were sharing a great deal about ourselves, and, to be candid, I became quite interested in what the two of you had built and were building together. I, who never had a child of my own, suddenly was meeting your two young sons and knew a third to be on the way!

It didn't take many weeks of seeing the boys to learn how quickly they change and grow. Such insatiable curiosity! When they visited my office they left nothing in it unremarked (or untouched). And they accepted me, who had had no children in his life since I was one myself. Yes I desired Dierdre, but I also desired to be in the household where I could watch these fine young men develop.

At no point was I trying to injure you. In retrospect, I grabbed every easy justification that I could think of for my involvement: You and Dierdre were already having problems. According to her she was going to end the relationship whether or not I began to see her. She claimed you were more interested in your work than the boys (which I view differently now, by the way). Perversely, there was a time when I thought I was even doing you a favor by assuming a number of your responsibilities.

But I didn't bank on how vile we would make ourselves to society in general. Once news of our involvement spread, people who had been steadfast friends began to avoid us. The university, to which I had spent most of my life aspiring, gradually became more and more hostile just as I came to feel more and more alien. I don't work there anymore. Enough said.

to be continued...