(HUMOR)

For those of us who are trying to make their way in the publishing industry, at one time or another we are faced with the task of sending a potential editor, publisher, agent, freelance company, or employer a cover letter or "query," as it's called in writer's jargon. Writing an effective query is a touchy art--entire books have been written on the subject. Rather than touching on the DO's of query writing, I thought I'd demonstrate the DONT's by writing the World's Worst Ever Cover Letter. I submit for your (total lack of) approval:

To Y-Me Publishing
200 Bad Writers Way
New York, NY 00001

To Whom It May Concern:

My friend read some book you published and said I should give you a shot because my book is gonna be great. See, the publishers I wanted all rejected my manu-script. It’s like I always say, publishers are blind. Can't see white if you put ‘em in a snowstorm. Really missin’ out, man. And all those agents I tried? Worthless as a penny in a jewelry store--don’t even get me started on THEM. So what the hay, my parole officer cancelled my appointment and I had nothin’ better to do, see, so I figured I’d let you prove you’re not as narrow minded as those twenty-four others and will give me the recognition that Mother says I truly, honestly, rightfully deserve. (Not my real mother; that’s just what we all called Big Ralph back in the joint.)

I know you’re dying to hear all about my book but WHOA, stop right there. Let me ashure you I had plenty of time to read about law the past coupla years and I’m all about a little thing I like to call ‘copyright infringement.’ So I’m too smart to go tellin’ you, like, my whole idea right NOW. I will tell the general idea but I’m planning to copyright that too so don’t get any funny ideas. AFTER I get my six figure advance, then we’ll talk details.

Okay. Here’s about my book. All starts with me trying to get ahead in life. I’m a good joe but the world just keeps smacking me around, see? Yeah, so I embezzled some here, “borrowed� a car there, you know, just tryin’ to make my way. And there was the bank thing in Muskogee. Wasn’t my fault about the ATM blowin’ up, though. They should make ‘em better. Anyway, I wrote a book how the country doesn’t work right, see, for guys like me, but no one would publish it. Kept tryin’ and tryin’ but not one of those no-good editors could see how genius it was. So then I get to thinking. Hey, I says to myself (and Big Ralph was there too and agrees), what if I write a book about how I wrote that book and no one would publish it? Expose the whole freakin’ mess? So I wrote it and it’s called (you’re gonna love this, man!) “Editors Schmeditors: Why Those Lyin Freaks Won’t Give a Guy A Break.� Great, huh?

I’ll tell you one thing—you’d be smart to jump on this one because we all looked and looked and couldn’t find a single other book like it. It’s a one of a kind steal. I’m sure you’re wanting phone me now to talk movie deals and all (I want Robert Downey, Jr. to play me in the film, by the way, if he’s out of the joint), but I don’t have a phone so I guess you’ll just have to fork out the thirty-nine for a stamp like I had to do and wait til I get in touch. Ha!

Simcerely,
James “The Cramp� Fowlup