I’m somewhat of a hypochondriac. I’m always convinced that I’m drowning in my own blood or that something is wrong with me. I swear the slightest inclination that I’m under the weather and I’m begging for forgiveness for my sins. This only came about recently after I had surgery because I had Wolf Parkinson White Syndrome. For those of you that aren’t doctors, that when you have an irregular heart beat. Instead of one electric current pumping through your heart there are two. It is a condition you’re born with and doctors said it usually pops up at around the age I am. I’m a young guy and am having trouble getting insured because of it. Anyway, when it “popped� up I thought I was having a heart attack. It was really frightening. It felt like my heart was trying to jump out of my chest and I didn’t know why. Granted, I was a college student that drank too much and smoked too much, but I thought I was a goner. It really opened my eyes, although I still smoke, but not as much. I am convinced that quitting smoking is the hardest thing a person will every have to do, but I’m determined to do it. Anyway, I went to the hospital and I was saying my prayers. I was scared shitless. Anyway come to find out, that’s what it was, Wolf Parkinson White Syndrome. Since then, I feel paranoid and anxious. I suffer from panic attacks and I don’t know why. This just adds to my pain, because now I’m in the process of job hunting. I’m not a real talkative guy in the first place and this just adds to the torturous grind of the job interview. I’ll be the first to admit, I don’t interview well to begin with. It’s hell and it sucks, but I’m coping. Anyway, I got some startling news the other day that a guy I knew in High School got cancer of the liver and is dying. We weren’t good friends, but I knew him. At best he’s got ten years to live and that’s if he gets a liver transplant. I was puzzled, because this guy was straight as an arrow. He never drank, never smoked, and was a straight ‘A’ student. If anyone was going to get this devastating news I thought for sure it’d be someone like me, who hasn’t lived such a healthy life. Lousy genes I guess. Anyway, he had a good job and was soaring, until now. Now, he’s dying of a disease he probably doesn’t deserve and what good is that high paying job to him now? It makes you think. It makes you question your own mortality. It’s scary the strings God can pull for or against you. It also makes me wonder about God. I don’t understand him. Granted I’m not the most religious guy, but I do believe there is a higher power. I believe that because there’s got to be something better than this hole we call earth. If he doesn’t exist I guess I wasted my time, but if he does I have nothing to lose, only to gain. That’s why I don’t understand Atheist. Anyway, lately I’ve been questioning his motives. I mean just the other day there was this pretty fourteen year old girl in town that was killed trying to cross the highway with her friends. She was hit four times, by four different cars, before anyone stopped. Needless to say, there wasn’t much left of her. I just don’t understand it. She was young and pretty, but her life was cut short because she was just a kid being a kid and probably wasn’t thinking. That crash in Florida that killed those seven kids also comes to mind. They didn’t do anything wrong? It just seems to me that too many decent people are dying while others that are probably more deserving of these fates continue on. I mean hell, if God is going to unleash his fury on someone why not some sick twisted piece of scum that murdered or raped little children. Why not them? I’m at a cross roads and it’s scary. Life is scary because you never know when you’re going to go. And anyone that says they aren’t scared of dying is a damn liar. Seriously, is God killing these poor people because he thinks they’re deserving and he’s rewarding them? I’m not sure. I guess the message is leave your mark while you still can. But it’s got me thinking. I mean what if death is it? They simply toss us in a hole and we take the eternal snooze and nothing else happens. There’s no soul. No nothing. It’s a lot to chew on. Anyway, if you haven’t already read “The Clock of Life� by Robert H. Smith I suggest you do. If you haven’t started living life to the fullest yet, after reading it you just might. Granted, I know I need to start counting my blessings a little more. I used to think that the secret to living a long prosperous life was to not do anything stupid. Example, smoke, play Russian Rolette, watch the Gilmore Girls, and quite frankly I need to take my own advice, but now I just don’t know. Even if you don’t do anything dumb, the Big Man might call your number and you just might be next. Sleep tight.