What the F???? is up with with...

What the fuck is up with with MTV? Ever since you canceled “Headbangers Ball” your network has gone downhill. You replaced it with shows like “My Super Sweet Sixteen”, “Next” and lets not forget my favorite “Cribs” No more hard working bands getting any airtime. Now its only air heads getting more time. Parents, do you really want your children aspiring to be like Britney or even the ultra classy “Miss New York”? They might leave her alone if she moved to Pluto but even then NASA would probably re-route the Voyager back to the solar system in order to get pictures of her sunbathing in the crisp -500 degree ice fields that occupies the planet. Next thing you know the national enquirer will have a lovely photo of her encased in some frozen goo entombed on Jabba the Hut’s wall in some other Galaxy far far away. The only good part about this is that upon seeing this, Jabba will decide against invading our country and enslaving the people because after watching MTV Jabba will come to find out that we, as a group, are fucking lazy and would not make good slaves.

What the Fuck is up with CNN? Today Roger Clemmens went before a grand Jury to testify about his alleged steroid use. Today Five guys in my line of work died due to a roadside bomb. But I guess Roger Clemmens poking himself in the rear is so much more important that five sets of parents of wives that will forever be without a father or a son. Hey Rodger just admit it… We know what are they going to do? Throw you in jail for a drug you took? If they did they’d have to throw every single rock star including the Beatles, Bob Dylan, and pretty much everyone with talent in the music or comedy business in jail. There would be nobody left but Ted Nugent and we’d all become so sick of hearing “Cat Scratch Fever” at concerts we’d be forced to find a way to book him for robbing the cradle with his slew of 17 year old brides. Even Dubbya would be right there breaking rocks with the best of them. Drugs……. Ya did em fine just behave and stop wasting my time.

What the Fuck is up with the Cole? A few crack pot Yemenites blew a great big hole in the side of a ship and for the longest time I felt really bad for the families who lost so much. Then what did you do? Tried to sue them. Now I don’t care about you. Its such an American thing to do, profit from the deaths of your own family. No longer do we celebrate the great memories of loved ones but we grab the money by writing stupid books and going on talk shows at forty grand a pop. The lawsuit? The government of Yemen is going to read it, crumple it up and hurl it into the wastebasket across the room and if we’re lucky it’ll sail through the cute little basketball net jokingly placed above the waste basket. Great idea America, lets sue people who have nothing! Even if we won what? Give us all your rubble? Sand? Have you idiots ever seen Yemen? I have, and if you hit a guys goat with your car and killed it you pretty much wiped out his life savings. No wonder they hate us.

What the Fuck is up with Televised Advertisements for Medicine? “Head on” ! Are you kidding me! What’s next “Hard on e gone” for the Erection that won’t go away? I love the idea of applying that sort of stuff right to the troubled area. The placebo effect right before your very eyes! I want to reconsider my lifes ambition and go back to Medical school, barely pass because I’m sure that’s as good as I’ll ever do and never have to work a day in my life in any kind of healthcare system ever because all I’d do is endores the shitty medical products they advertise on late night TV. Every day there is some new contraption designed to make our already obscenely cushy lives even more obscene. Either that or make law that for every stupid late night endorsement a doctor makes they have to spend one year in Afghanistan helping kids who picked up a bright yellow piece of Metal thinking it was a toy when it was really a landmine. You still think life is hard without a “His and Hers” Porsche?