What The #$*! Do We Know About Pop-Tarts?

Of late, there has been a debate raging whether there is any difference between Kellogg's Pop-Tarts and other, vastly pale pastry imitators and breakfast tarts that I feel will certainly end in bloodshed. My intention here is not to debate but rather to celebrate the wonderous goodness that is Pop-Tarts. I believe John Lennon said it best - "I don't believe in Beatles, I just believe in me, Pop-Tarts - sweet delicious Pop-Tarts - and me, that's reality"

Pop-Tarts were originally, like everything from The Clapper to The Garden Weasel, a product of the US space program during the early '60s. NASA studies, in conjunction with a blue ribbon committee of psychologists, theorized that humans in space could perform their duties with a greater degree of efficiency and happiness following a good breakfast. Pancakes were considered optimal, but the logistics of maple syrup in zero gravity proved too difficult to overcome.

This led to the development of Pop-Tarts which proved to be a great success with the astronauts in training. In fact, there are stories of full-scale fistfights in the space program's cantina - not unlike those barroom brawls in old Westerns - over the last Pop-Tart. Another little-known bit of trivia is that Bob Newhart was actually booted from the fledgling space program for attempting to sell one on eBay. Following the disgraceful dismissal, he opted for a career in comedy with modest success.

Another little known bit of history is that Neil Armstrong almost placed the Apollo 11 moon landing in jeopardy because of Pop-Tarts. Uncorroborated sources have long claimed that the morning of the landing, an overly excited Armstrong consumed three boxes. The effects of the gastrointestinal distress he suffered as a result not only clogged the spacecraft's relief tubes but caused his companions to tax the capsule's air filter system, blowing several fuses.

In the early '70s, having seen the success of Tang with American children, NASA sold the rights for Pop-Tarts to Kellogg's to make up for government budget cuts in the space program. Kellogg's slightly tweaked the formula but retained the nifty foil packaging and name. Within three years, enough Pop-Tarts were sold that, if laid end to end, they would stretch from here to somewhere really, really far away.

Personally, I have long been a fan of Pop-Tarts. They're magically delicious and their simplicity is a stroke of genius. When traveling abroad or even 'cross town, I always keep Pop-Tarts in my backpack for those unexpected twists in the road. Once in Kuala Lumpur, I traded one to a buddy for an aqua Walkman when there was no Burger King or Pizza Hut to be found.

I also admire the way that Kellogg's has steadfastedly unveiled new flavors to a salivating public. Remember the early days of Pop-Tarts when they only came with fruit fillings? You could kind of pretend that they were a healthy breakfast. Well, somewhere along the line they just said to hell with that. Hot Fudge Sundae Pop-Tarts? Yeah, who doesn't love sundaes? Fudge chocolate, chocolate-filled, chocolate chip Pop-Tarts? Why not? Frosted Cookies And Creme With Bacon Bits? Mmmmmm.

And, to go tangentially for a moment, remember the commercials during Saturday morning cartoons in the '70s for cereals when they would conclude with a shot of the "balanced breakfast" consisting of said cereal, juice, milk, bacon, eggs, sausage, pancakes, waffles, fruit, and an entire pot roast? Did that ever strike anyone else as a lot of food?

Pop-Tarts have also offered me something else. Sometimes I get concerned that I don't take things as seriously as my fellow bloggers. You know, stuff like God, evolution, evil neo-cons, evil liberals, paper or plastic, and such. Then I realized that Pop-Tarts are something that I truly feel passionate about. If the world is hell-bent on "takin' things up a notch" in the Middle East, I would feel less frustrated if it was over Pop-Tarts. Hell, Kellogg’s could set the Pop-Tart machines to overdrive and crank out enough to secure a thousand years of peace, everybody fat and giggly.

And if anyone from Kellogg's is reading this love letter to your fine product, please, please, please bring back the Milk Chocolate/Graham cracker Pop-Tarts. It's either you or I call in some favors at NASA.

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