What is True MySpace Friendship?

I am a member of MySpace which now has over 180 million users. On three occasions recently I have read bulletins from my friends talking of culling their friends list because they have never heard from some of those friends. They complain about the lack of contact and mention expectation of better behaviour from their 'friends'. But if I used that logic on my list of over 3500 friends, I would be down to about 100! Yet many of those silent friends read my bulletins, laugh at my jokes, appreciate my presence and, just once in a while, make contact to affirm me and thank me for being there.

MySpace is a social networking phenomenon of the greatest magnitude. Nothing that happens in the real world can be attributed to a community of so many people in such close, yet detached, proximity. Relationships will ALWAYS be superficial because of the detached nature of the medium and the fact that you will never meet 99% of your 'friends'. So a different kind of attitude needs to be cultivated to make the best use of MySpace and to enjoy it fully.

Imagine you have only 20 friends just now. Your friends list will contain 5 groups of people as follows:

The first set (2 friends) will message you, comment you, talk to you and love you as a real friend. They will massage your ego and will always be there for you. They will also express a desire to meet with you because the great chemistry is most likely to be mutual. If anyone fancies you, they will be in this group too. On the whole, this is an affirming, reciprocal group.

The second group (4 friends) will be there for you too, but in a more detached way. They are likely to make their presence felt on significant occasions, those holidays and celebrations, and times when it matters most to you. Those who fancy you, but lack the courage to show it, will lurk about in this group, near enough to admire you, but not to show their feelings fully by being in the first group. The third set (7 friends) you might hear from, or you might not. They benefit from just having your presence and they give little back. They are what I call 'peripherals', but in the likely occasion that you need help, they will be among the first to offer it. Often it is the people we least expect who surprise us in this regard. They too admire from afar without revealing too much.

Being self-absorbed
The fourth set (4 friends) will be self-absorbed. It will be more about them than anyone else and they get their sense of value from others fawning over them, looking at their pictures, commenting them often, listening to/sorting their problems and playing to their tune. They might never send you anything but, without your presence, they would feel insignificant and invisible. They are the ones likely to hide their friends on their own profile, showing only themselves, or put up barriers to becoming friends (though this is a networking site!). They will always be telling you about themselves, and expecting you to read their profiles, while not in the least interested in you or what you have to say. They will post zillions of blogs, for example, expecting you to read them, but never once read yours because being self-centred is more appropriate to them. Sharing isn't. Their lack of confidence keeps the focus only on them.

Finally, there will be the simple takers (3 friends). You are just a market to them for their products and their desire to achieve; a mere stepping stone to their aspirations and they tend to be pretty mercenary with it. You only hear from them when they want something and at no other time. They will be always sending bulletins round to ask for your attention, your vote, your time or your cash, but with never any time to share your news, grief or happiness because they too are self-absorbed to care.

As you can see, unless you really make an effort to be highly selective, the random nature of MySpace means that at least 65% of your friends (the majority) will always be silent or just takers. You will get very little back from them. That is because friendship goes on a continuum from love to like to indifference to self-centredness and then dislike. Those on the love/like end of the range are there for us and will always reciprocate us, while we are there for the ones on the self-centred/dislike end of the range. The ones in the middle will merely react as is necessary. It means we are all there for each other in one way or another. So, think again before you cull your friends unless they are truly annoying, because each serves a purpose in his or her own way.

Being the world to someone
Friendship is not just about what comes back to us. It's what others receive from our presence too. Often we might be the whole world to someone who might seem indifferent, simply because they haven't got our confidence, security or assurance. Just because they are silent doesn't mean they don't care or appreciate you being there. One can always spot the self-absorbed and the person just seeking a market. The others who really need us and benefit from us, or who might secretly admire us, are more difficult to spot. So I allow people to be who they are, and accept them as they wish to be, so long as they are not being offensive.

I have lost track of the many times people I have never heard of after that first 'add' acknowledgement, suddenly write and say "Thanks for your bulletins, they really make my day or made me smile, though I have never told you".

I never make assumptions when it comes to people because the best friend is one who can be themself without trying to fit into our little aspirational boxes. Our disappointment in such 'friends' stem from our own unfulfilled expectations of them and those expectations do kill friendships. When I am asked for an add, I simply read a person's words on their site and make up my own mind whether I want to be friends or not. I bear in mind that MySpace is a site for making friends, and I either like the sound of a person or I don't. They do not have to 'qualify' in any way to be my friend.

It is easy to jettison your 'friends' because they are not conforming to how you expect a friend to behave. But to have real friends we have to be a friend to them first, not just wait for them to act! We have to say hello too, make contact and affirm them. We cannot rule them out and delete them for doing the very thing we do not do. We really have to be that friend we are seeking before we begin to judge. So just enjoy your friends, whoever they may be. Be thankful that you're fortunate to have friends and enjoy their unique individuality.