What I think i want out of life

don't think i am destined for greatness.

I don't think that anything i do over the course of my life is ever going to change the world in a significant way. I doubt i will cure diseases, or bring about world piece. I wont invent anything. And any hope of ever being internationally famous or even well known has recently dwindled down to a far-fetched dream.

When i die it is not going to make the national media.

That is alright with me.

Sure, there is a part of me that would LOVE to do somethig great. There is a part of my that enjoys the thought that i will someday be recgonizable and well-known...........maybe even respected by the masses for one reason or another.

But, i am just fine if that never happens.

What has become increasingly important to me, however, if managing to find the things in life that truly make me happy. I would LOVE to obtain (or rather make for myself) a life in which my first thought waking every morning if not "wonderful.....another day." with so much sarcasum it is a bitter phrase to hear me speak.

::sigh::

I have a very, and i mean VERY, boring and routine life.

and it is unsatisifing to me.

I am not a happy person.

which i am sure comes as no shock to anyone that knows me in person.

I dont like that. I do not enjoy that i am not happy with my life. I do not like that fact that i am alone, and lonely and what bothers me even more that the fact that i do not like so much of my life is the fact that i honestly do not have the real drive to do anything about it.

i mean, sure i WANT to. Or at least i say i want to, and i think i want to. And yet i do nothing about it.

Maybe that is because the last time i went and did something to change my life it backfired on me inhorrific ways.

Whatever, everyone makes bad decisions.

I dont know what it is about my life exactly that makes me hate it so very much.

It isn't a "bad" life. I mean i am not starving, or homeless, i do not have a husband that beats me or a horrific disease, i am not handycapped in any way. Honestly to look at my life from an outside perspective i would think i should be reasonably happy, granted i got my problem areas in my life but then again so does everyone.

My life isnt THAT bad.

So, why am i so discontent with it? Why do i hate my life so much?

Maybe i am just a whiney person, who no matter what i DO achieve in my life i will never be satisified.

Great, now i am even MORE upset than i was when i started this blog.

Damn it!

Great so basicly the conclusion i have reached is that it is all my fault that i am miserable, alond, and discontent.

Wonderful!

I feel so much better now.

glad i took the time to write this and make myself feel just THAT much more that shit.

NO!!

no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no!

i CAN and i WILL do something about it!

I can build the life i wnt to have all on my own. i can take the time to figure out what i want out of life, i mean c';mon it couldnt be that difficult, if anyone knows me it is myself, i surly have to be able to know what would make me happy in this world!

i have to.

it is my only hope of maintaining sanity in this life.

sanity is fading quickly.

"every day is just a little bit worse that the day before it, so the day you see me it is the worst day of my life. Everyday."

ok ok not EXACTLY the way it goes but you get the point.

i can really relate to that.

most times it feels that every day is just a little bit worse that the day before it.

What about the "good days" you may ask.

well those days are so few and far between for me lately that i just look at them as accidental days that were supposted to go to someone else's life and accidently got dropped into mine.

I dont really have good days.

I cannot remember the last entirely good day that i had.

WOW. that is sad to me in some way.

I dont know how i let my life get this way. I was never the happiest person around, i always have been a bit cycnical and very sarcastic, and honestly i have genreally always seen the glass as more half empty that half full.

but recently it has gotten VERY bad.

i am unhappy. I am not content, i do not really WANT top do anything, i sleep seriously, about 80% of my "free" time is spent sleeping.

that cant be a good thing.

i dont know what to do about this current suituation.

and to make matters worse i have recently come to the conclusion that i dont really care for the mass public.

Sure, i realize everyone NEED friends, they are a cool thing to have, but in general i dont like people.

hahahahahahha

"never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups"

yes. enought said right there i think.

not to say that i think i am in some way better than others. Cause honestly quite the oppisite.

but i just dont see how people function sometimes.

and i am finding that i am very quick to anger.

another thing i should work on.

i guess the first step in making my life better would be to figure out what i would actualyy like my life to be like? i guess that would kinda give me something to try and obtain.

trouble is......i am not really sure what i want my life to be like. I used to think i knew but now i am not so sure.