WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?

Have any of you ever thought back to the time when you first encountered that question? Was it a parent or a guidance counselor or even a big mouthed family friend? Where you horrified by the question or happy to share the answer that you’d giddily fantasized about in your little mind? The only Disney movie that I own is ‘The Kid’, staring Bruce Willis. One great line comes from his photographer ~ “We can’t talk about what we’ll be when we grow up. We’re already UP”. Just as most, if not all, of us here are UP.

I seem to be forever re-inventing myself. Having some kind of Epiphany or job loss or spotting a new pair of shoes that would require a complete change in wardrobe. Or, simply waking up one day and realizing that my life, as it is, doesn’t fit me anymore. Ultimately, it comes from realizing that my current incarnation isn’t what or how I want to be when I’m UP. And, that’s where my true neurosis is always so glaringly bright in my eyes. Like a dentist with his hat-light. I’m in the chair and squirming under the ultimate inquisition. I ask myself ~ “how can I be forever changing when I’m supposed to be who I’m gonna be already??”

But, are we? I’m always playing amateur life coach to other people. Telling them that they can change their lives and become the person they want to be if they chose to make the effort. So, why is it that I feel I should be like a sculpted vase? Beginning as a lump of clay, being thrown on a wheel, then finally sculpted and fired. Being left, forever in the lasting state of flower keeping. I’ve already asked myself continuously why I feel that life changes are ok for other people, but not me. I believe it’s for the same reason I’ve made some of my bigger of the bad choices. Like getting married. I was trying to prove that I was a responsible grown up who had gained some sense and finally entered adulthood. Of course, that adulthood I was seeking was as outlined by someone who took too much pleasure in my failing to reach that ideal in the first place. Sure, realizing that is one step toward shedding this particular dysfunction, but not enough to fix it, of course.

Are we meant to be reinventing ourselves or simply going through the seasons? I thought the other day, that I’m in the Fall of my life. I, as a child, charged at life with the fearlessness of all children. Though, I believe that I came to discover the real world too soon. I just knew that in the world is where I wanted to be. Not in a classroom, because the world was the best teacher. I’ll never know where I got the notion that I should have a career ideal so young, but I think searching too soon is what made me so easy to crush and defeat. Having all the hope in the world while still having the immaturity of a child gave the darkness access to all those wonderful places. That darkness is still there to this day ~ trying to get in in the form of my mothers disapproving glare. Fought back by the fiery sword of (sometimes) maturity who demands the darkness be still and pities it for it’s sorry self.

I guess what I wonder is if we’re ever grown up and if it’s ok to not be. For the most part, I don’t mind that I haven’t reached adulthood yet. Let’s face it, I’ve traveled a long road ~ one that could have been shorter had I not too often gotten in my own way. But, it’s often time been a fun and weird road. When you take your eyes off the prize in order to see what is down that alternate road, it can reveal all sorts of things you’d never dreamed of. The lessons the world has taught me have been harsh and even cruel at times, but they’ve also created who I am right now. I’ve learned that you can go on after loss. That you can spend an entire year crying and then suddenly finding yourself longing for something or someone again. That with each sub-cycle of each season passed you get a new coat and a new mindset. You learn just a little more about yourself so that one day you can say that you’ve actually loved yourself your whole life.

Change is good.

Each time we’re shattered, it gives us the chance to become a new kind of whole again. Each time we achieve a goal, we can sit back in that moment of glory and wonder what’s next. If we could actually achieve the goal that we just attained, that means that we can make the mountain a little higher next time ~ the drift a little deeper ~ the fear a little more.

My story isn’t completed yet. I’m not just beginning it, I’m forever continuing and adding more chapters. Should I care that my novel may not end with a blinding glory? I guess if I do, I’d better make sure I steer each day in that direction. And, while I still spend time each day trying to look into my own future ~ trying to see where it is I should be in this world ~ I also enjoy with the fervor of that child I once was, the twists and turns that seem to produce themselves on the command of some unseen creator.

Yes, change is good. Life is better.