Trust me, trust him... trust who? Holy crap

So... after all the writing and talking that I did... I stayed at my friends and ... the one I've been babbling about, aaaand we just hung out. I thought, this is cool. I wasn't really sure what to do.

See... I don't have family. My parents are deceased and I have a sister but she's always been messed up from the beginning of time and then my brother and I were starting to get to know one another again and then he got a girlfriend, even though I talked about it w/him prior because he's never stayed around long.

So, we spent the weekend at my friend's house which is a long standing thing... I kept this guys family ... as I've mentioned and when we weren't involved, or didn't just fool around that was all good. We were all friends and things were fine.

So, apparently all this writing I've been doing don't add up to a hill of beans because saturday morning we woke up, we'd fallen asleep on the couch, him on one end and me on the other ... after just hanging out with the family all day, the kids, making a fire in the back yard, just ... the things I like... I have other friends of course that I hang out with ... but of course this had the added bonus of some one to care about "me" ... or the thought of it anyway.

So... the next day ... Saturday morning ... we were on the couch, not doing anything just cuddle up, my daughter was sleeping... and I figured I'd hear the door open which is down the hall. She came out, I think saw us on the couch, no no!!! not doing anything and went back down to bed watching cartoons.

So... now just because I'm apparently ... so ... enticed by the whole idea of me and this guy and having a family which I'm a part of anyway but look a bonus ... a guy who is also good with kids trying to get custody of his kid... who I am trying really hard to see as someone I can trust.

I asked him, in spite of all my doubts or because of them if we'd started seeing one another. I don't like the illusion of my assuming that he and I started seeing each other just because we had sex because when I was younger, and thought I could handle that kind of thing with him, the old shoe thing where he was there... or I was... it was fine. But you know... I'm not that girl anymore. So I asked him if at some point we had started seeing each other.

He went to avoid it, that's who he is you have to pay attention ... so I said don't be evasive. He said ... yes. Hey folks I'm ... so afraid of having a relationship with him ... and I'm wondering anyone at this point that ... part of me totally gets his hesitation. That's not about me, I know that as I write all this stuff out over the next ... number of weeks or whatever... I'm going to look like quite the ... coo coo burd. I admit I will... I'm just trying to ... make myself happy ... and there's nothing wrong with that but my daughter is involved and I have to say ... even though he said yes... today ... Ijust got so shit scared it wasn't even funny. Who am I kidding I'm still shit scared.

See... the thing here is... I'm not comfortable. I was okay when I was there and we were at the house and hanging out with the family and stuff... okay I was a little off then but after he said yes, to us seeing each other... later my brain goes... what does "seeing" interpret for him? That he'll see only me?

I was like SHIT! I didnt' ask! ugh... because that's the thing. When we were younger, we met and he was dating someone and my friends were like play the field ... I'd married a turd and was getting divorced ... so I figured Okay ... but that wasn't me and I tell you, I couldn't handle dating two people again AT ALL ... way too confusing. It can be done but ... my god that was a lot of work.

So... his version of "seeing" an my version may not be the same.

I was doing my laundry and I found a pari of workout pants, a shirt that probably went with it and underwear that I've never seen. Yah I know... I'm looking more and more insecure and messed up by the minute ... I know, I get it ... I know, I know... you don't ahve to tellme. So, I mentioned it to a friend of mine and my mind, when I held them up (purposely, and not before getting it said out loud we were seeing each other... because that was prior? Yah maybe I am an idiot... ) I ws like these fit you?

First he didn't say much. It's amazing what I find difficult to believe but I've heard all these stories from him in the past, his are ... way worse than mine but they always entailed him seeing a couple people at a time.

Anyway... Okay it's only a couple weeks... we had the we're seeing each other chat... and I'm looking at these fucking pants, which could fit me by the way ... I'm about a size ... I guess 6/7 depending on the manufacturer... so I tell you the only way I'd believe those were his is if he was wearing them AND if they were still there next time I go down. I dno't know who doesn't want their clothes back so ... if they're gone... I mean... I think you get it. And then do I appease myself and sit back and say it was before I'd asked him to see him? Do I be that ... stupid?

Am I? (hey... be nice... sometimes we want one thing so badly, not that I'm of the mind to want to have him seeing other women, not after all this time and years and knowing each other ... I'm not that open minded. I would like a relatinship and then I wonder if this were some one new... course I wouldn't have sleep over access like this so that would be different ... okay, I can see that. I wouldn't know and whatever went on before we decided to see each other is ... moot. Because we all have a life ... I get that too.

You don't have to tell me that I'm being ultra insecure, I know it. I was fine until after I left my friends house last night. It's so funny ... (not really) it's like the "illusino of having a boyfriend" after taking 5 years off from dating.

And ... who do I chose? Someone who also has never had a good relationship his entire life and always had other girls lined up... that's just some shit isn't it? Well... I used to have other guys lined up when I was younger... not on purpose ... it just seemed to happen that way.

After I had my daughter and my last mess of a relatinship 5 years ago ... I decided to focus on myself. And here we are... today. Like I don't have a brain in my head acting like ... this big insecure/hopeful/oddly blinded person with no clue.

that's some SCAREY shit! It really is... Man... It was an outfit... the pants the underwear, which I've never seen either... well I have been going there a lot lately so it stood out like a sore thumb and a shirt. but if he were involved with a girl... right? wouldn't his phone ring on the weekend? all these thoughts designed to appease me and I can't find one that sticks through how afraid I feel that I've just made a choice to want to see if he and I can work out for the right reasons, with blinders on and with the wrong person.

It's only been... a few or so weeks. I get that. All this history coming up and flaunting it in my face ... waiving madly ... it's like HEY! Are you paying attention here? What are you doing? Why are you doing this. I know why ... when I'm there ... I have a great time ... the illusion of a family life. Me him his son my daughter. All wrapped up in a neat little picture. I've wanted that kind of scenario for a very long time. Comes with family to boot that I get along with... my weakness. Which is why I said I don't have any above... it's all tied up in a neat little bow... :) almost just for me.

Apparently though, my ... mind keeps standing up and freaking out. I'm not enjoying it like ... it's like I was thinking as I was driving home, because I used to live there and now I live 1.20 away that ... I'm okay when I"m there... but as I leave and start thinking about integrating our lives together, I'd have to move... that's kind of okay with me, I get that too, I like it better down there... but ... I'm like... I can't do this. I'm not so stupid to think that I can change anyone.

Lets pretend just for a second... that there really is an innocent explanation for the whole outfit being there. frig... okay? the point is ... what is it going to take for me to believe that ... I can trust this person? It's not like a fresh clean slate of meeting someone and then getting to know them. Where I'm not privy to any information at all about them or their old habits... that can be just as ... unnerving ... I get that too. I've been so stupid in relatinships and you know, my daughter really likes my friend ... she would be thrilled to see us together. We've all hung out for "years".... but if he's the same and I've just made a big fat mistake... she pays for that now. Not just me... I'm like "relax woman!" take it a day at a time... but it's like, I know too much. I feel too much... I'm just afraid. Period.

s'like, I'd called and left a message for him about his son on the way back home from his house and then while I was playing at my friends house, you know ... me my friend their whole family (I"m very lucky to have so many friends who I can say make me feel like family... I really am) I'd picked up my phone to show my friend, we all have the same one and we were comparing how they beat up theirs and mine was like still new... I just take care of my stuff :) ... they're more the toss in purse kind. Hey... :) :) whatever, but I hadda message. I usually know who is going to call or not call so... I started grinning ... my friend is grinning at me so happy for me that I may be on my way to a relatinship and... it was him. I'd left a note on the table by the computer :) cute flirty thing when I left... so he thanked me for it and talked about what he was doing and if I'd gotten home etc., then said he was going home, I called later... got his machine aobut 1/2 hour later ... I was cool with that... right? No big deal... I have a life, this is good, I didnt' blow off my friends to spend time with him and stay another day, which years ago... yah, I would have... but in spite of my loony brain right now, I know my flaws in a relationship. We need to remember to continue to put our life in perspective. So through the nut making thinking I'm at least holding on to that. I can say that years ago I would still be down there today ... Yup. So :) At least some of the work I've been doing on myself is working :) ... at least I'm also, in spite of how scared I feel and am that I'm writing this all out so I can think clearly... Anyway... I got his message and I was just ... beaming. (silly gurl right? I mean it's so cute to feel that way ... about a guy, after all this time... just because he called) ... but as you can see...

I'm like, HEY can you just enjoy this... give it some time to grow ... I'm like yah but ... you're an idiot if you think he's changed. Take off those damned rose colored glasses for christ's sake... stop seeing only waht you want to... I am trying so hard not to ... make a mistake here. I'd really want to kill him (not "literally" just figuratively" kill him if he ... pulled shit) I want to say that I think that he's matured ... that he's growing up ... that he's not like that anymore. And our mind is so sneaky it see's only what it wants us to see. I still can't get the outfit out of my head, I can't actually feel that so early on that I have ... been schnookered in any way where I've just been lied to because ... it was what it was until yesterday.

Now, so I'm clear... I don't have "rules" I do have preferences as to wanting to know he'd see only me. Knowing him as long as I have ... matter of fact, I'm also scared enough not to assume that I woldn't be so scared of a relationship after ALL this time that I couldn't possibly mess it up myself. I would be ... apparently for a little while only until the next fear cropped up... :) (hey I'm honest) okay with him saying I'm the only one he's seeing.

Then I'm like ... would I really be that okay with just that ... is that enough for me to ... give this thing a fair shake. I'm trying not to ignore my intuition... but it's hard to see it clearly when I'm this afraid.

I dno't think that I would handle another "outfit" showing up there after this weekend. I mean we go there, or have been for a long time ... lately, and that's just a whole new outfit I've never seen and it wasn't new either.

It's so funny how ... "for now" I can ... probably get past this one outfit showing up. Unless of course he's smart enough to wear it :)... what? That'd be funny actually fitting into it... he's not a small fella that would be interesting. course he doesn't really have to prove that to me ... I'd feel SHIT LOADS better ... but it's only a month or a few weeks and my one friend says I should wait on asking for his definition of what "seeing" each other means. I thought the same thing myself. My version is just "each other" his version could be whomever fits inbetween the time I see him, beings I live here and he lives there and when I'm there.

What I didn't like or couldn't enjoy was how good I felt when I got his message... you know like ... a normal unscared person just excited that someone new called them and how today ... I'm all freaked out. I'm not saying I don't have a valid fear or reason... I do. I wasn't born yesterday. There are tiny appeasing factors ... he is very diligent with his son. Which is as it should be. His son comes first he'll drop everything for him. And that's cool... that's a good father. Which, aside from all my fears and old history with this person ... is one of the reasons I am trying to give this a chance. I'm not in this to "change" this guy... I can't change anyone, I'm not going to change anyone and that's not my job to rescue or get involved like that. It just isn't ... I get ALL of that...

When I see this guy bending over backwards for his son, it's just amazing the lengths he's going to for him. I respect that alot... if he was just doing nothing and then complaining... I may think differently. But he's not ... he's doing... and he's trying to make it right for the little guy.

well I took a break from this post and I just got hit with this huge wave of freak out. That wasn't cool... holy crap... that came up and out of ... everywhere!

Holy shit ... Okay... it's official. I'd asked him if we were seeing each other... he said yes. That's cool but what I really needed to know was if we were only going to see "one" another not including other people ... I can't invest myself emotionally in someone who I feel may be with someone else I don't want someone else so I'm just going to have to spit it out.

We were never on the same page ever... and I was always either ... not realizing I was hurting myself or we were never on the same page. I can't start this out on a dream and a rainbow of what we mean when we say seeing each other. I mean, each other only... I don't know what his version is... I'm still not even sure I ... I'm ... so enticed by what it all could be and stuff... but I can't focus and pretend it's something else when it's not... it's nothing really we just ... we agreed to nothing really. I can't deal with that. He can go about his life and his business but I like to know that romantically after all this time and knowing one another... it, for once will be only me and him focusing on whatever may be in the future.

No more chickenshit me ... it's better I know now then be crushed later. Because I would feel crushed... so I have a choice how far I invest myself... that's so damned frightening but it sure is better then these waves of feeling so scared ... I can't live like that. I've worked so very hard on myself to let some one ... or myself (gotta be fair) toss it down the bowl because I wasn't specific in what I need... I'm not even sure I want to... be all involved ... like in some of the stuff ... in his life but I am willing to give "us" a try and we can communicate and work other things out as time goes along. But I'm not geared to wonder while I'm home and being faithful and only seeing him if he's going around doing whatever he wants to. I just ... that wouldn't feel right to me... I don't want to, nor should I live like that. I deserve to respect myself and ask a more direct question.

god help me... I'm scared to death. But It's better tahn all this ... contradictory thought and fear... wish me luck folks.

I'm scared but I'm more afraid of not asking... it's not my asking him to turn his life upside down ... just that we're on the same page... 16 years we both deserve a little honest and respect with each other. So it has to start here and with me, so be it.

gack... :) :)