TREE BADGERS.

Tree badgers or soldier moles which came first?

its doubtful if we will ever really know the answer to this conundrum, but i do have my own

thoughts.

Over the past many years rhe soldier moles have been increasing in numbers

especialy around the A66 trunk road, the main penine link beetween east and west.

This was brought to my attention by Dolphin, a well known (to me)

expert in these things.Not to be confused with the aquatic variety

who know nothing of matters mole related but still intelligent in their

own way.

Any way it appears that the soldier mole is managing to infiltrate hitherto inaccessable

sights due to the activities of the Treebadger.

Not to be confused with your normal badger, the tree badger is unique to

the county of durham,small in size yet ferocious if provoked.having a skin

almost as thick as a rhino small offset eyes to either side of its triangular

shaped skull which houses not one but THREE sets of razor sharp teeth.

The colour and hue of its soft almost feathery coat is akin to the colour of this text.

Unusually the forepaws are slightly longer than the rear whith talons arced as a scythe

very useful in its quest for food.

The preffered diet of these creatures is the lava of any sort of burrowing insect

a fact which makes them a menace to tree planters and owners of wooden chalets

Often found foraging in the darkest of nights among the pine forests scattered liberally

on the scottish highlands until 1975 they were forced to migrate when the price

of pine furniture rocketed due in some part to entry of IKEA into this country.

as the jocks were quick to cash in on this money making craze so the TREEBADGER

was forced to seek out new supplies of food in woodlands in england which thankfully

for their sake were protected under the european treaty of versace.

But then of course we had dutch elm disease believed by a few conspiricy theory

nutters to have been introduced specifically to target the badger.

Despite this setback the TREEBADGER continued to survive by adopting a lot of

the characteristics of the SOLDIERMOLE.

Becoming nocturnal was The first step to salvation whilst developing speed of flight

was an easy progression, within ten years a mutated treebadger had developed

a membrane of skin not unlike the flying fox beetween its front and back legs

this enables the badger to cover great distances between trees and so avoid

detection by humans as they leave no tracks on the ground.

Unfortunately the fact that they can fell a small copse of trees in a feeding frenzy

which happens every third month during the mating cycle means it is relatively possible to track their movements.

There is still no photographic evidence of the existance of the tree badger but i believe

the predominance of the soldier mole points to their very being.

SOLDIER MOLES. they were the first forray into mixed species DNA, long before

dna was mapped a group of scientists in warcop england had managed to produce

a hybrid mole by feeding them exclusively on south emerican soldier ants over the period

of the second world war, this was not i must explain a military operation but a

device to be used on the breakout of peace.

You see the soldier mole whilst still intrinsically designed to dig deep pot holes in

soft earth, with the military genes incorporated from the ants they could be persueded to only travel in straight lines, or more importantlly follow the direction of a mettalled road.

this abillity was extremely useful as shortly after the war all the street lamps needed to be replaced and the amount of digging was phenominal so the moles were deployed

to provede holes for the lampposts...

all was well untill the Treebadger migrated, you see the moles were kept in check in the main part because of their inability to burrow through wood

as most of the english countryside was lined with trees they could be left to wander

as the wished.

now it can be seen how the existance of the TREEBADGER can be proven..........

Take a look the next time you go across the a66 you will see were the soldier moles deviated from their expected path causing great gaps to appear

in the landscape. And just how many trees are there left in durham????????????

beware the rest of the country for when the food runs out the badger will migrate

possibly to a wood near you...................................................................................

BY the way should you doubt this report cast your mind back a few weeks

to the headlines NEW SPECIES FOUND IN PAPUA NEW GUINEA.

Just because your paranoid they could still be after you.