Things that have already gone backwards

Interestingly enough I've allowed myself to get sucked into a situation that I'm not sure I want to be in.

So I'm thinking about what has backslid already in my life because of it. And I tell you it's been over a period of time but it seems to be hitting awfully fast.

So... my budget has gone backwards. Gas for the car, little bit of money to be around and do things. Tolls, gas, and at this point 30 bucks or 40 bucks to go and see someone who I'm not sure myself is "for me" after all this time ... I don't think is worth the finacial investment of it all.

It cuts into other things I want and need and puts me backwards. The things we do because we wish for love? Yup... I admit it...

Then there are the emotional ramifications of the situation... I'd go into detail but I just need to vent irrationally anyway so I won't do that right now other than to say that when I was younger, we were stupid, I was anyway... and then we've known each other over the past 16 years and then he acted all interested and started doing things that said due to his actions taht he wanted to hve something more ... and I just dove in head first not even looking to see if there was water in the pool. It's amazing the blinders we wear when we really want something to be how we'd like it to be.

Now, I went and made the ultimate mistake of sleeping with the guy... s'not like we haven't in the past but in doing that I let go of all my hard work on myself that I've been doing for the last 5 years. Yah he should have know not to entice me or give me all that attention but ... I should have known too and had a conversation with him. I was so busy being happy to ... be with someone I've known for so long, with the penidng possibility that it could be my personal happy ending I just dove in there and ... fucked up.

And the funny thing is, as fond as I am of this person, I can't even tell any of you that I want to be with this person at all. LOL ain't taht a bitch? I'm like in love with the idea of being in love but I"m not sure it's with him.

That's just something else in my book... seems so ... messed up that after all this time and setting boundaries with myself and him that I'd just go into it and want to believe so badly ... that I oculd trust someone I'd know for so long and just have it fit.

I mean shame on him for not ... for implying and saying all those things and acting like he cared and well I'm sure he does but it's not my interpretation of what I say I want in my life. I mean my life is pretty calm, I dno't have drama he does. Some is self imposed other is because he's goign through alot on a person level and you know nI understand that people ahve shit they go through but with all the work I've done on my life, all the work I've done on myself a s a person ... I just dove in anyway.

And now I'm confused. Had I not slept with him and I knew this on Saturday but did it anyway ... I wouldn't feel so bad like I do right now.

And it's so funny... there's a part of me that wishes he'd say YES I want to work on a relationship with you... and then there's another part of me taht after ALL this time... says ... but do I "really" want him? Am I willing to sacrific my life for all the drama that he has?

is fond of him enough to make me want to have my life turned upside down? Wow right?

Obviously it's an issue I've never addressed but buried. I always thought I wanted him for myself. And now it's like ... has he really changed or did I just buy into what I wanted to believe. So I just made a call last night to a guy we both know who is going to tell it to me straight as to if he's changed. Matter of fact I can talk to another guy, now taht I'm thinking about it ... he'd tell me... I think w/o a personal agenda (long story) that didn't occur to me before.

This guy may want something but I dno't know if I do. it sucks being this confused. part of me wants him and the other part looks at his life as it stands and all that he's going through and it' slike why on earth would I wnat to be blind sided again by this person? I know the deal I see what's goin on... now there's nothing wrong with my watning to believe in love and happy endings. Not at all... I feel like ... there would be something wrong if I accepted this situation knowing I deserve a healthier relationship where I'm not sitting here 7:30 in the morning on my blog all confused and feeling like I don't know which end is up. That's just fucked up if you ask me. And that should be my answer right there shouldn't it ...

Part of me wants him to want me ... so badly. The othe rpart of me that's grown as a person is like ... what does this man bring to the table that is an enhancement to your life other than sex? or hanging out on the weekends? Or being nice for a while ... and talking smack about stuff ... what is he "doing" really that would lead me to believe that he can have a heatlhy relationship and wants one?

yah he's done alot of nice things and gone out of his way recently but we have such a long conviluted history it's tough to see the forest for the trees.

I dno't knwo why I didn't think of this before ... I should just call my other guy friend who knows him too... he'll tell me. So will the other one when he calls back.

I shoulda done this first ... but I ddin't. there's nothing wrong with wanting to believe in someone ... but I didnt' do a very good job of protecting my heart ... nothing wrong with wanting something ... but not at my feeling so badly today. I'm a big gurl now, I'm not 25 years old and hvae no clue what I'm looking for in my life... I know. I probably feel so badly because I know it's not this guy ... and I want it to be.

it'd be so conveient. that doesn't sound right but ... Okay I hve to go get ready for work.