The State Fair

Our family visited the state fair yesterday. It almost started out as a disaster. My daughter woke up feeling sick, but after breakfast, she quickly recovered. My husband REALLY wanted to go, and it was the last weekend, so we went, prepared to pay and turn immediately around. Fortunately, there were no problems with her the rest of the day.

We got there late, and almost turned around, despite the 4 hour drive (return travel included). The parking was awful. Everyone had signs in their front yard, allowing you to park in their lawn for $5. We passed a street corner that advertised parking there for $5 and riding in a limo to the fair for $5, which would have been worth it, but we never saw the place. My husband, being the stubborn man he is, decided that there must be spaces in the fairgrounds, so he went there, despite a sign saying the lot was full. He was right. There were spaces. We could have even ridden the shuttle, but I was busy brushing hair and applying sunscreen to myself and the children.

The very first thing we encountered was what would have been like the tents in the old style carnivals. If you've ever watched Carnivale on HBO, you're probably slightly weirded out by this. Yes, it was the fireball show! Come see a man eating chicken! And when you walk in the tent, there is literally a man eating a chicken leg, fried up just as nicely as you please. It was the tent that Alan Moore talks about on his spoken word album, "Moon and Serpent Grand Egyptian Theatre of Marvels." And if you know anything about Alan Moore, you should be terrified. This tent promised a two headed snake and other freaks. But no geeks. Nowadays, geeks work at Best Buy, fixing computers. I think the last true geek was Ozzy Osbourne. If you don't know what a true geek is, you'll have to look it up. I won't be held responsible for your curiosity.

Immediately after that, as far as the eye could see, there were games with carnies. Yawn. We had told the kids that there was no need to be polite and indulge them by waving them off. Later, we were glad that we did so when some older woman was telling a younger man (both working their game) "Ya know, I've made more money working a straight game." And because he didn't hear her the first time over his microphone, she repeated it. I got to hear it both times. It's kind of a stupid thing to say in front of a potential customer.

Where there weren't games, there were rides. And where there weren't rides, there were funnel cakes in at least 6 different flavors. I knew I had to get one, depsite my diet, and I chose cherry, but I waited until we were leaving so that I could pig out on it in the car. I don't consider funnel cakes proper food for the fair. Especially not when they dump an entire can's worth of cherry pie filling on top of it. Don't worry, I did extra cardio last night.

We went to the buildings and saw all of the salesmen trying to sale their crap. I briefly considered getting a t-shirt, but decided that I couldn't wear a t-shirt that said "Shuck" even to paint. Not "Shucks". "Shuck." As in corn. I don't care if it's three dollars, I've got some standards, damnit! Then we found a heater that I will discuss tommorow. It was SWEET!

Then we went to the political tents. My state is the hottest place to be if you are a candidate. I caught one that will probably be our next president coming out of the bathroom. He wasn't even out of the door, with the smell of state fair bathrooms wafting behind him, before he was glad-handing somebody. I doubt he knew her. I walked by another table and decided that I wasn't going to like our next governor. Finally, I went by our Governor's table. The woman was friendly, but not charismatic. At least I got a map.

We made our way to the animals. We saw an almost 1200 lb boar. Because everyone was crowded around the cage, I tried doing what any good mommy would do. We went to the other side. Then we found out why that side was so empty. The only view from that side were the enormous genitals of an enormous animal. I dreaded the question about what the basketball size things on the underside of the pig were, but the question never came. THANK GOODNESS!! We also saw a bull that was taller than a baby elephant. I mean, it's hard to describe a cow or a pig with any sense of awe, but these were worthy of awe.

Finally, the kids got to choose one ride each. My daughter got dizzy on the carousel which was spinning too fast, and my son rode solo on the too short bumper cars. But they had fun.

I'll let you in on a little secret. I grew up in a state with a great fair. I moved to a state with a great fair. I cannot imagine living in a state where nobody goes to the fair.