The New Millennium Devil's Dictionary - To Be

BE, v. To exist; to have a physical or metaphorical presence in the world of experience.

Various philosophers throughout history have argued that existence is illusory; since lawyers, especially those associated with the Clinton family, are unable to determine what "is" is, it is clear that this worldview is current in the legal profession. Physicists provide confirmation, asserting that objects such as concrete blocks, grand pianos, and cruise missiles are comprised mostly of empty space; that matter is no more substantial than government budget surpluses or profits from the stock market. It is, nevertheless, difficult to reconcile the idea that matter, energy, time and space are phantasmagorical with the soldier's experience of the bullet that converts his "is" to "was".

Numerous speakers of tongues alleged to be English refuse to conjugate this verb. These persons be known as be-keepers from their stinging attacks on the language. It may be said in their defense that, when a verb with such irregular (if not nonsensical) syntax be not only accepted as regular but rigorously enforced as such, they sensibly perceive that something be amiss.

(Note from your Department of Pedantry. That last sentence is grammatically correct. Excruciatingly so. Believe it or not.)

  - O Ceallaigh

Copyright © 2006 Felloffatruck Publications, featuring The New Millennium Devil's Dictionary. All wrongs deplored.

All opinions are mine as a private citizen.