LONELINESS, n. The state of being bereft of someone who matches your fantasies and will do your bidding, with a smile, for free.

In the wild webland forest
Hear the Lonelyhearts call,
A sound that is sadder
Than leaves in the fall,

Hues red, brown, and golden
(Though they change with the season
Or to match their new outfits
Or sometimes for no reason):

"Is there none in this land,
None in Willapakee,
Who will come take my hand,
Will come save me from me?"

One day in the forest
Saw a Lonelyheart stand,
I offered my heart
And I held out my hand.

"Oh no, you won't do,
You will not do at all!
I can't stand a dome
That is bare as a ball.

"Not to mention your belly,
An ignoble pelt!
I wanted a sixpack
But not the result!

"And you call that a checkbook?
It's thinner than T!
Too thin for the sparkrooks
I need for St. V's."

Then she yelled with a great yell,
"Get out of here! Scat!"
And they all yelled and threw things
Until scat I gat.

Behind Counsel Boulder
I regained my composure,
While from wild webland forest
The call started over;

"Is there none in this land,
None in Willapakee,
Who will come take my hand,
Will come save me from me?"

To get through the forest
I now do what I ought 'n'
Walk first to the drugstore
And stuff ears with cotton.

- Teddy Whiplash

  - O Ceallaigh

Copyright © 2006 Felloffatruck Publications. All wrongs deplored.