The New Millennium Devil's Dictionary - Paradise / Casino

PARADISE, n. Implements used in shooting craps; hence, by expansion, a gaming establishment (see CASINO*).

According to such records as were preserved by the Hebrews and Mesopotamians, humanity originated in the paradise (pairidaeza, translated "garden" by the unenlightened) of Eden, which was on Earth, somewhere near the Euphrates River. Unsubstantiated rumors have it that ancestors of American First Peoples ("Indians", "Native Americans") ran the place (see BOOK OF MORMON). Typically, humanity took to gambling on fruit, went bust, and got expelled. Eden was then flooded. People have been looking for Eden ever since, with no success, and with no assurance that they would be let back in if it were found. There are now rather more of us than would conveniently fit, anyway. Elbow room at the Apple Roulette table would be scarce, at least for awhile.

Periodic claims are made for the existence of paradises not on Earth. The rules for entry are said to be stringent; only those having the wherewithal to play for high stakes are welcome. But eyewitness accounts are few and subject to interpretation, as one of the early and essential criteria for admission is the death of the postulant.

Thus, those who practice solemnity, rectitude, or other crimes in this life, thinking that thereby they are winning passage to a joyous (and rigorously exclusive) hereafter, are gamblers playing for the biggest stakes of all.

There once was a hermit from Eden
Who thought that a saint he was bein'
     He spotted the goal
     But found it a hole
And cried "Can't believe what I'm seein'"!

- Goldbrick of Galway

*CASINO, n. In Italian, a tiny house or cottage, suitable for sleeping in. In English, the biggest and loudest establishment in the neighborhood, suitable for extracting a fortune in - typically off the hopes and fears of the poor, the sick, the desperate, and the innumerate. Anyone attempting to sleep therein is, usually, thrown out onto the street - or booked into their hotel at two hundred dollars a night, plus gratuities.

  -O Ceallaigh

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