Allow me to reintroduce myself...

*super hero music playing in the background. I'm standing there with my pink cape billowing in the wind, hands on my hips. There is an emblem emblazoned on my chest that is a circle with a diagonal slash. In the middle of this circle, is a cupcake with a cherry on top*

I AM THE OFFICIAL CAPTAIN OF THE LOVE HATER MOVEMENT....ARCH NEMESIS OF THE CUPCAKE COMMITTEE (thats u viv j/p)...REVERSE MIDAS...Every relationship EYE touch...turns to shit!

Our Objective: To rid the world of irresponsible cupcaking. All too often, our generation's full potential is thwarted by the constant need to spoon and argue about which movie to pick at Blockbuster. He wants Pootie Tang. You want The Notebook. Resistance is futile.

So this is it people. I have made the full 360 transition from rapidly-aging bitchy girlfriend, to party-all-the-time "I'm single, woohoo!!!", to"who the fuck is going to help me move?!" independant woman.

I have inspired 5 breakups and counting in a matter of weeks. The ranks are swelling. Me? The biggest Gangster of Love has come to realize that we...yes...all of us..are NOT in love. The real kind. The non-selfish kind. The kind that makes you better.

What we have substituted for love is stability, dependency,cheap rent, free counseling, you name it. Because of many things: a fucked up childhood, dysfunctional family, an addiction to a steady supply of booty, a sick perverse desire to argue, we have quarantined ourselves into a downward spiral that is underage cupcaking.

Truth of the matter is...whether you're 15, 24, or 32, if you ain't doing what you wanna do in life, you haven't acquired the license to love another human being. The Gangster of Love (...thats me!) says that there's only two ways you can end up and its not 1.)dead or 2.) in jail. Much much worse.

You will 1.) use the lame-ass one-size-fits-all-excuse of "I need to focus on ME for a while" or differently/gently-worded variations of "I'd like to have sex with other people, please!"
This is the most common reason unsuspecting cars are vandalized, torn pictures littering the ground like confetti.

or worst case scenario
2.) Have lots and lots of sex and create a wonderful innocent little baby that's sole purpose in life is to fix your relationship. Or give you the love he couldn't give you. For some baby mommas and daddies, this is the reality check that cause them to cross over to the Love Hater Movement. But how many fucked up kids, including yourself, were born out of this option 2?! EYE rest my case.

As a clarification...we do not hate on love, we merely chose to uphold its definition into the highest of standards (for example: vacationing with B and Jay-Z in St. Tropez is sooooo permissable cupcaking).

So initiation into the Love Hater Movement is to take a vow and get married...

TO THE HUSTLE.

Days will no longer be spent playing the "who was supposed to call who" game. Hours will no longer be wasted staring out the passenger's side window so fuming mad that your eyes cross.

We will read as many books as possible, work out, get fucking wasted every weekend (guilt free!), do homework (gasp!) when its supposed to be done, spend time with our friends and family, surf Craigslist constantly for increasingly respectable and higher paying jobs, and save all that money from annual couple holidays and travel the world! And you know how much money you save every year as a single unit. Take that and feed some starving Hurricane Katrina survivors for goddsakes.

And when we all verbally consent that you have "Mastered Your Self", we will give you written permission to join the Responsible Cupcaker Club. The kind that makes up the OTHER 50% of marriages that actually last.

So, we need YOU: ambitious, open, adventurous, self-reflecting, constantly improving phenomenal human specimens to join our cause. There is a world of wackness that threatens our generation. And it can all start with you.

Next on the Agenda: Responsible Booty-Calls.
(Hey, we haven't got everything figured out yet.)

*ps...hater ass ball and chains need not respond. Ya can't beat us, so you might as well join us.