Balls!!! The world is not a lonely place. It’s just full to bursting with hordes of scum sucking mutant trash that have been cursed with mediocrity. I think that your satellite dish is down. It must have been hit by a case of empties while it was cruising around the block. The numbers just aren’t coming in from DC like they should be. Feels like repeat programming on a snowy Saturday night in Wawa.
Anyone can put their foot down and get the car to go two hundred miles an hour but it takes a real artist to get it to slow down enough to take the turns and curves with a relative degree of safety. Are you following any of this? Think long and hard about what I’m saying to you because I won’t repeat this again. There’s a certain type of shark, native to the warm waters just off the Florida coast that is capable of spitting out its entire stomach. It can empty out the contents of the stomach and then swallow the whole damn thing again and be good as new and ready to eat. Nature’s vomitorium. Can you see the beauty in this? It’s as though a firecracker has gone off in the hand of some pot-bellied redneck kid who just wanted to scare his sister/mother. The bloody stump that lingers just below his wrist is a testament to the faulty education system, proof that heavy metal music and coke a cola will bring about the end of the world. The dripping, shredded mass of flesh is the fault of everything else but not the fault of the stupid, idiotic, child that thought that holding firmly onto an incendiary device just precious moments before it explodes was a good fucking idea.
PAY ATTENTION dammmit because this is important. I am telling you everything that is wrong with your world. There’s absolutely no reason why you can’t be happy. The only thing you need to do is reorganize. Take that great awful step into the unknown and decide that this is not all you are capable of. Tell everyone in your life to go fuck themselves (except for me of course, I don’t think that I could take that kind of responsibility). Tell them that you need to shred your paycheques and trash your furniture. You need to start again from the bottom of the barrel. FROM THE BOTTOM?! I must be crazy to suggest that. That’s what you’re thinking isn’t it? You’d be right except for one thing sister: you’re wrong. I know that the bottom will only be the beginning for you. I see you rising to the top like a cork in clear water before the end of the week. Grab everything you know by the scruff of the neck and throw it out into the lake and watch it float away. Tell every hapless boy wonder geek that you know that their services are no longer required (again, spare me this) and that you’ve found your way. If you don’t do this now you’ll never do this and you WILL HATE YOURSELF for it. The same leather clad rock boys will be hanging off your arm six years from now when they are all way too old to be cool and you won’t be too far behind.
This isn’t the only way to do this of course. You could be Mary Poppins about the whole thing and kindly ask the world to change for you. But remember what happened to Conrad Uno and his gang of ball busters down at republic records. They were very nice about the whole situation but they still ended up bussing tables at the local Pizza Delight. The world of international stardom was not for them and they were the good guys for fuck’s sake. And the beat goes on and on and on and on sister. There’s really no way around it. If you want what you say you want then you’ll have to go out and find it somewhere that you haven’t been looking for it (can I suggest some places? I know a great little soul just off Trafalgar Road). But fuck. This isn’t about you is it? This is about the rest of the colonized world. I can only imagine how sorry Columbus and Magelan are to know that because they were so freaking intrepid Your life has been fucked from behind with a greasy pole. I’m sure that if they could take it all back they would in a second.
Not me. Fuck no. I enjoy watching things go badly way too much. This is entertainment for me simply because I don’t have anything of my own to look forward to yet.
I am falling in love with you rapidly and watching you fall out of love with Randal. This makes me happy. Take him down. Knock him to the ground and tear his heart from his chest and watch it stop pumping as you look him in the eyes and realize that he is not a human being. If he doesn’t see the wonderful and perfectly lovable girl that I see whenever I am near you.