I received a package in the mail today that was addressed to my newborn son. It was from the Devil. How do I know it was from the devil? Aside from the return address…

666 Brimstone Lane
The Abyss

It was actually signed…

‘The Devil’

Ok, that was a fib. It wasn’t actually signed ‘The Devil’. It was signed ‘Grandma’ – But let’s not split hairs…

Some people refer to their Grandmother as Granny. Some use the term ‘Nan.’ Some like using ‘grandma.’ I however prefer to refer to my grandmother as something a little more descriptive. I like to call her Satan.

This is a title that she has come by honestly.

Even though my grandmother may not actually be Satan, she has clearly made a blood pact of some sort with the lord of the underworld. She is 93 with no sign of reaching her best before/expiry date. Leaving a trail of pain and suffering in the wake of her shuffling foam tread slippers… she is a bingo playing force of darkness. Sure she is evil for many reasons, most of which I will not go into here, but the one that I want to talk about here is that she gives ‘evil presents’ to tiny children.

Evil Presents – An evil present is something that is not just a ‘crap gift’- anyone can rush out and get someone they love a $5.00 McDonalds gift certificate for their wedding anniversary or a toilet plunger for Fathers’ Day. These are thoughtless gifts to be sure, but to become evil in your gift giving you really have to kick it up a notch.

An evil gift is something that looks like it is going to be great, but winds up being a really humbling, jaw dropping, demeaning slap in your ‘happy birthday’ face.

An example of evil presents – When I was 4 years old, Satan stopped by on a rare visit for my birthday. Satan gave my 7 year old sister a gift as well, a really neat windup guitar that played music. It was amazing. Then, seeing as it was my birthday, Satan gave me my gift. It wasn’t nearly as nicely wrapped as my sister’s but that was ok. I said thank you, opened it up and… ‘instant evil.’

What 4 year old doesn’t like a zip lock baggie of dried prunes and apricots? That would be every 4 year old. Generally speaking, 4 year olds are not overly consumed by thoughts of staying regular. In fact we can safely say that most 4 year olds would vastly prefer a GI Joe doll.

Basically, the only way that Satan could have made this gift any more evil would be if she had somehow juxtaposed this evil fruity present with another much nicer present given to someone else who wasn’t even having a birthday. Oh that’s right…. Never mind.

Giving a 4 year old a ‘Ziplock’ baggie of dried prunes for their birthday is an evil, evil present.

Many more evil presents would come along over the years. I won’t bore you with the tawdry details, but the ‘old man PJs’ with the hatch is the ass fitted for someone 7 years old was simply the perfect evil gift for a 13 year old adolescent boy. All they needed to be was pink and with bunny slippers and I could have been a part of the re-filming of ‘A Christmas Story.’

As I stand here with this package from Satan addressed to my young son, I find myself wondering ‘Will the cycle of staying regular and destroyed birthday hopes carry on to another generation? Or will I cast the influences of Satan out of my house and into my trash bin?

I mean come on… he’s only 9 weeks old – how the heck is he going to get any enjoyment out of dried prunes and apricots? Maybe he could at least grow into the bunny slipper PJs… or not. Right then, trash bin.

“Satan, I cast thee and thy dried fruit snacks out of my home!�