The Blue … er, Green … er, Brown … er, Whatever! Danube

Yesterday (28 August 2006), while the gang over at Doug’s place were riffing on the theme of how denial is not a river in Egypt, somehow the topic of the Danube River came up. Something about how the view of de Nile would give you de blues. Like the Blue Danube, Herr Strauss. Except – the Danube is not blue.

Perhaps it was blue during the 1800s, while Johann Strauß Sohn was alive and presumably spending quiet evenings on a balcony in Vienna, pen in hand, while the river passed by below him. But a century later it certainly was blue no longer. Konrad Lorenz wrote in King Solomon’s Ring (if I remember correctly) that the river would occasionally be blue in, like, January, when the population levels of the phytoplankton were low thanks to low winter temperatures. But during the rest of the year, forget it. All those people … all those industries … all those sewer systems … all that agricultural runoff… Blue had no chance. The Danube is green. And yellow, and brown, and …

How come all the colors? Green means “algae", right? Not necessarily. Algae come in just about all colors of the rainbow. And diatoms, which often dominate algal populations in rivers and oceans during springtime, are actually golden-brown colored, not green. But, it turns out that what determines the color of a body of water, most of the time, is not the color of the particles in the water, but the way that light reflects and refracts off of them. The sizes and the shapes of the particles are more important than their color. So, when the Danube is green, it may actually be from its load of golden-brown algae. Or plain old brown silt. Or any one of a bunch of things.

All of which spell T-R-O-U-B-L-E. As in pollution trouble. Pollution that was, in the latter half of the 20th century, coursing down the Danube and poisoning the Black Sea all the way to its junction with the Mediterranean at Istanbul. Pollution that finally, in the 1980s, got the nations along the Danube to agree to do something about it.

It’s probably too much to dream that the Environmental Programme for the Danube River Basin will restore blue to the Danube. But perhaps it will prevent it from turning pink. Like the Nashua River in Massachusetts was when I was young, before the genesis of society-wide environmental consciousness in the U.S.A. during the 60s and 70s. Yes, pink. Pepto-Bismol pink. Lest we forget.

Musician Spike Jones knew, way back in 1945, that the Danube wasn’t blue. Or if he didn’t know, he made it up. He lived at a time when the American people were desperate for comedy, and besides, he was bored stiff with playing chestnuts like the Blue Danube Waltz straight. Jones set out to, in his own publicist’s words, make musical mayhem. He and his band, the City Slickers, fashioned musical instruments, or (un)reasonable facsimiles thereof, out of live billygoats, anvils, Smith and Wesson revolvers, and even a toilet bowl – the famous “latrinophone". His rendition of Der Fuehrer’s Face, perhaps the most famous and (ahem) in-your-face American propaganda song of all time, made his name and reputation, and he was a chart-topper for more than a decade.

And he trashed the Blue Danube Waltz, of course, or I wouldn’t be writing about it now.

There are several places online where one can read the lyrics to the Spike Jones version of the Blue Danube. But I find that none of them do justice to the recording. And I haven’t found a recording online. So, until you’re able to locate a copy of your own (most likely on Spike Jones is Murdering the Classics, a compilation originally released on vinyl in 1971), here’s my transcription.

THE BLUE DANUBE
(Johann Strauss II / Sol Meyer / Arr. Del Porter & Spike Jones)

Spike Jones & his City Slickers - 1945
(vocal: Del Porter & The Boys in the Back Room)

[Opening – 32 bars of the familiar Blue Danube theme in 3/4 waltz time, including pickup and final, cracked cadenza, played as an over-the-top-schmaltzy alto sax solo fronting a 40s big band – no violins please.]

[Interlude – lines spoken over “tinkling" (celesta?) vamp]

     Oh, the years have come, and the years have gone,
     But the oft-told tale is not true,
     For of all the things the Danube is,
     The Danube is not blue.

[Blue Danube main theme – but as a quickstep in 4/4 time!]

     The Danube is green, [(shouted) Black! Black!]
     what's more it ain't clean. [(“tsk, tsk�? voice) Trash, trash.]
     It's green as a bean. [(shouted) Chartreuse!]
     It ain't (??)azurene. [(faux dog barking) Rolf rolf, rolf rolf.]
     And though the blueberry looks a little purple,
     And though your maple syrup looks a little murple,
     Don't believe what you have heard or you have saw.
     Oh the Danube isn't blue, it's green. [(plunger trombone) Waw, waw]

[Abrupt shift to The Irish Washerwoman in 6/8 time]

     Oh, the Danube is green as the grass in the spring
     It's as green as the dollar you spend on a fling.
     It's as green as the paint that you put on the screen.
     Oh the blue of the Danube is greener than green.

[Reprise 4/4 quickstep – tune is improvised from various Blue Danube themes]

     The Danube isn't blue [(shouted, two voices) Am I blue? No!]
     The Danube has another hue [(ditto) Who, me? You!]
     It's time we all came clean, [(basso, the classic descending fifth) B.O.]
     'Cause the Danube isn't blue, it's green.

[24-bar chorus featuring various invented “instruments" and simulated flatulence.]

[8-bar riotous “Dixieland" chorus based on the main Blue Danube theme.]

[Abrupt transition to quiet “tinkling" (celesta?) descending run, 1 bar – ending in a belch.]

   - O Ceallaigh

Copyright © 2006 Felloffatruck Publications. All wrongs deplored.

All opinions are mine as a private citizen.