rant

Does anyone remember the old days, when message boards were filled with...messages? Actual people were having legit conversations, not just copying and pasting their 'work at home opportunities' or plugging a site or product. These days, everyone has an angle, a plan to get the money flowing effortlessly into the bank.

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A couple months ago I was in Israel on a birthright trip, and these two girls in my group were saying "OMG, they had BETTER have MTV at our next hotel. We're gonna miss the season premiere of The Hills". I was like "Excuse me bitch- you're in fucking Israel. The Hills can wait" and then they were just like "But it's the season premiere, and I CANNOT wait five more days to see what happened to Lauren". Like OMG, and then I NEED to move to LA, find a nice crack dealer, and suck as many dicks as I can.

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Almost 30 years ago I started smoking. Why? Cause I was a dumb kid who succumbed to peer-pressure. Of course, the PSAa they were running then said that smoking wouldn't make me cool. They were lying. Smoking did make me cool. Even my friends who didn't smoke thought it was cool that I did.

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You know, I first got on a computer in the 2nd-grade. Back then, they were Apple IIe - looked exactly like ET in that movie. We used to play Oregon Trail, but I was in the advanced classes and Oregon Trail didn't cut it for me. By grade 7, I had hardcoded (that means, written BY HAND) a full-written history of The Uncanny X-Men... hey? I was a seventh-grader, for goodness' sake! I wasn't curing cancer, but I was able to cut classes because they'd just go to the library and pull me off the computer and the librarian would talk to them and smile at me and I'd go back to class...

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I have been trying to connect Barbie world to the other side of me. Can I? or is it too much of an impossible task. Its May 2007 and I have passed again a month of disappointments. I hope I don't get much of months like my April this year, well again, its up to me to control it.

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Note: If the language of this post is a little too graphic, read on and share in my love of half-way decent grammar coupled with sailor words.

Vanity, sometimes, is everyone's biggest sin, at some point in their lives. Sins come in all different ways and as God fearing Americans, we are taught that no sin is greater than the next. Well if this is so then why don't liars get sent to prison to spend half of their lives rotting there?

A woman had the audacity to say, "People who lie should be shot. I think its crazy when gays are allowed to sleep in the same house. You know they're screwing each other's brains out. And don't get me started on gamblers and smokers..."

We all lie, hey, that's a part of our human DNA. We might lie and not tell Ronnie that his penis is really small and he would make a horrible porn actor. We might not tell Kayla that her nose is far too crooked and no casting director would hire her even if she promised to suck his dick and his later generation of boy's dicks.

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I'm sick of it. On every channel. They're on every channel every day and night and I'm sick of them all.

Marathons.

Nick@Nite and TVLand show nothing but marathons overnight now. They have a different marathon each night of the week, and usually a weekend-long marathon of one show or another. Bravo shows one marathon after another, then Bridget Jones' Diary. They've been showing that movie for over two years straight now, at least once a week!

So, I decided to pick on one of my favorite channels, Sci-Fi -- another one known for its day-long marathons -- and actually put together what we old folks grew up with: a TV schedule...

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[b] Now maybe it's just me, but I'm personally getting pretty fed up with advertisers presuming that we're all dim. There are many "low-blow" techniques used in marketing, but the ones that just scream out at me "We're doing this because we know none of you will catch on" really irk me!

For example, some of Charmin's TV commercials quote that they are better "than the regular kitten brand." Now I don't know about you all, but I'm plum stumped as to what brand they're mentioning here! How about all of those toothpaste commercials? Have you noticed that 9 out of 10 dentists recommend every toothpaste? Wait a minute. That doesn't add up! Well, actually it does. They never claimed that 9 out of 10 dentists recommend their toothpaste above all others. Sneaky... not.

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At least that's what Tricky said.

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“Hey, dude."

“DUUUUDE!?! Where the hell you been?"

“Well, you know, dude. Out."

“No shit, dude. On a good day, you’re out. Way out. Out to lunch. With the scientologists. But you won the prize this time. I was just about to clear out your room. The rent’s gotta get paid, you know."

“Funny you should mention the rent …"

“Wha … What’s this? Real money? You’re not begging me off? What bank’d you rob to get it?"

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I received a package in the mail today that was addressed to my newborn son. It was from the Devil. How do I know it was from the devil? Aside from the return address…

666 Brimstone Lane
The Abyss

It was actually signed…

‘The Devil’

Ok, that was a fib. It wasn’t actually signed ‘The Devil’. It was signed ‘Grandma’ – But let’s not split hairs…

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The other day I was listening to a George Bush news clip on CNN and oddly enough it got me thinking about ‘Sea Monkeys.’ The connection wasn’t formed by anything he actually said. As a matter of fact he was talking about some proposed military action in Afghanistan that I mistakenly thought Wolf Blitzer was referring to as ‘Operation Mount N’ Thrust’ … I was feeding my baby at the time and he was fussy, so I hope you will excuse my mistaking Wolf’s mentioning of ‘Operation Mountain Thrust’ as some sort of metaphorical title for a plan intended to really give it to Osama.

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I was attacked by a space invader today while shopping at my local grocery. No it wasn’t the pixilated Atari videogame ‘old skool’ style alien, although that would have been pretty nifty. No, my attack came in the form of one of those people who has absolutely no concept of personal space and boundary issues.

This is one of those social rules that we don’t really talk about but that everyone is supposed to understand. You know what I’m talking about, right?

So there I am in the express lane with my ‘9 items or less’ – can I help it if the lineup isn’t moving? And behind me is this 70 year old guy dressed like a retired engineer. I am aware that the lineup isn’t moving. Yes, I too am irritated. But standing so close behind me that I can actually feel your warm moist breath on the back of my neck isn’t really doing much to speed up the process, although it is managing to creep me out.

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I suppose that as far as vices go, being addicted to ‘Last Comic Standing’ is not quite as bad as owning a crack pipe. But it is pretty damn close. Last comic standing is now in its 4th season, and it has suffered some serious problems in the seasons prior. Problems you say? How bad can they be? VERY BAD my friends, very bad indeed…

Let’s start with the host…

This show about struggling comedians trying desperately to make it was originally hosted by Jay Mohr, which is a beautiful piece of irony as Jay Mohr is the very dictionary definition of a ‘struggling comedian’ himself - For exactly how many years are you allowed to be introduced as the co-star of ‘Jerry Maguire’? Doesn’t this title have some sort of shelf life or ‘best before’ expiry date? Shouldn’t you have done something since then, other than sell shoes?

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That’s right. Up here in Canada we aren’t messing around with these terror dudes. You plot to behead the prime minister of Canada and we WILL flick you in the eye – so you better think twice Osama!

Now I acknowledge that being a terrorist is one of the few jobs where ‘not being the sharpest tool in the shed’ may actually be seen as a recruiting perk. Generally, having a high IQ and being willing to strap dynamite to your body do not tend to go hand in hand. However, while stupidity would appear to be the norm for being a professional ‘self detonating guy’ the members of the recently apprehended terrorist cell in Canada appear to have taken the fine art of stupidity to a whole new level.

In a stunning revelation released in a nation wide press release this afternoon, the very bearded, very Muslim looking legal defense team for this group of suicide nut jobs has come out with the stunning allegation that one of their clients was actually ‘FLICKED IN THE EYE’while in custody!!!

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