Blogger Party

Dear ____________.

As taken aback as I was by your magnanimous review of my picture, I’m somewhat perturbed by your adolescent infatuation with the media’s Darling de jour, and I wonder if you realize just how puerile you come across when comparing me with an airbrushed image of a doubtlessly surgically-altered woman whose pinups provide orgasmic fodder for many a young boy who can’t differentiate product from reality. Also, if you read something more substantial than People magazine or Entertainment Weekly, you’d know that it was Helen of Troy’s face that launched those thousand ships. (She was one of the seminal Hollywood starlets along with Cleopatra, Delilah et al.) Nonetheless, I’m so glad you approve of tanned women even only if they remind you of your “greatest love� at age 10, which may explain a few things concerning your attitudes towards women, and maybe your obsession with the Angelinas of the world. And in reply to your final question, yes I’m positive that I’m not one of those Hollywood “stars;� for one thing, I never had the fat from my ass transferred to my lips nor have I ever felt the need to retrofit my breasts with saline sacs in order to titillate my fans. Since I’m replying to your questions, I have one for you: Is your _______moniker an inventive amalgam of Corto (the Italian word for “short�) and Cock (the colloquial equivalent of “penis�)? I’m sure it’s just imaginative whimsy on my part – fueled in part by your over-compensatory obsequiousness – but I just had to ask. Have a splendiferous day _______!

Naturally,
Me

Shalom ______,

Judging by your “inspiration,� I’m sure that things other than your knightly duties were raised. While I (greatly) appreciate your unselfish need to protect me from the creeps of the world, I feel your ideas of heroism are the result of too much time spent playing Dungeons & Dragons interspersed with equal time given to reading Hebraic Superhero comic books. (Bat Mitzvah Man and Rabin come to mind.) If it brings a sense of Judaic joy to your warrior heart, feel free to call me Abigail since I make it a point to always humor the romantically delusional as well as the realistically challenged members of society. As strange as it may seem to most people, I believe we did meet in a previous life. If I’m not mistaken, you went by the name of Master Megillah, raconteur of overly long and not-so-exciting yarns that incorporated Judaism with everything from genetics to Rabbi-endorsed mustard and how your people fought so valiantly for the privilege of feeling nobly guilty, but mere mortals knew you better as Morton Applebaum, or Yearner of Shiksas (brilliant disguise, Master Megillah). And although I realize that your interpretation of Holy Scripture differs from that of just about everyone else, I can’t help but notice the distinctly Hollywood-like treatment of your version of the Abigail, David, Bathsheba love triangle, which takes me back to the Golden Age of Hollywood when biblical sagas were watered-down to give them mass appeal. Throw in a few Jedi warriors and some obligatory Arabic villains and you have the makings of a modern-day Cecil B. DeMille yarn worthy of the name Master Megillah! And with credentials like those, you can even have Angelina Jolie AND Brad Pitt play the leads, with the legendary _______ at the directorial helm.

(Back to “reality�)