Ok, you're a newlywed, and you're already looking for advice? Have the rose-colored glasses come off yet? Has the rice in your shoes molded?

There are certain things that I really wish my mom had told me about marriage. But, she was twice-divorced and a bit jaded- a little bitter- so, I didn't think anything she said on the topic was worth listening to. MY marriage was going to be wonderful, forever, and that's all there was to it.

How was I going to ensure this pledge? I LOVED my husband, and that's all that I needed...

HA-HA ! Surprise, surprise. I found out that there is much more that the emotional gush of "love" required to keep a marriage afloat.

REALITY SETS IN:

Ok, I must admit. I was warned. I had lived with my fiance' for quite awhile before marriage. I knew about the clothes all over the floor, the BK wrappers on the coffee table, and the cigarette butts in coffee cups. I had lived through having our tiny apartment packed with young, smelly guys- all smoking, eating pizza, and playing my honey's new full-sized pinball machine until three a.m. (it got evicted by complaints from neighbors, thank God!)I had consoled him and enabled him to continue his slightly wild lifestyle because we were young and had too much "party" still left in our systems.

What was it about official marriage that I thought would transform my loveable frog into a prince? The "official-ness" of it all? Yes, I believed that the official committment would cause us both to become seriously devoted to each other's well-being- in short, it would cause HIM to grow-up! We won't go into my personal shortcomings, of course.

First of all,let me tell you about the wedding. I can look back and laugh at it now- well, I laughed THEN too !

The Little Heart of Reno Chapel is right across the street from the courthouse, so that's where we walked after signing the official documents. My fiance' kept making cryptic comments as we walked, like "Well, here goes nuthin!", and "I guess it's official now."

The glitz and glamour of that little chapel cannot be overstated. From the Polaroid photo packages, to the Elvis impersonator pictures lining the hallway, this place was top-drawer. Everything screamed, "Cheap, easy, and not really real!"
Our master of ceremonies donned a grad gown and put out her cigarette after a few deep inhales. We were ushered to the actual "chapel", and our emmcee proceded to pull out her deluxe, surround-sound portable cassette player. ( You know, the ones that are rectangular, large, and have a handle-circa 1977)

The music began, and we were asked to hold hands, and look into each other's eyes. Moving, until the cassette player began to malfunction. "Oops- sorry guys- this damn thing isn't working right...hold on....ok, I think I got it. " As the garbled music restarted, and I saw the sappy look on my hubby's face, ( he says I'm cold, that look was "devoted, pure love") I felt this wild surge of giggles coming on. I began to bust up, and tried to stop it, but it happened anyway. I started laughing and couldn't stop. Our waitress, I mean "Minister", couldn't stop either. There were others waiting to get hitched. So on she droned, as the music continued, sort of.

We declined the single $14 Polaroid capturing the moment of bliss.

Back at the casino/hotel, we dined on prime rib and lobster tail for only 12.99, and enjoyed several watered-down cocktails and some slot action before retiring to our room. It was all surreal. I wish to this day we'd had a "real" wedding, but we're still married. Maybe that wedding should have been seen as an omen of things to come.

The first year, our zeal for each other overshadowed the problems. I picked up the dirty underwear, thinking it was my "duty", or that "good wives do this, and smile about it." Ah, the lessons you learn. I made crummy meals, but it wasn't my fault. I was learning as I went. My mom worked full-time, I had no dad, and beans and weiners were good eats. My husband was the fourth and last son of affluent parents. He went to the best private schools, enjoyed the country club lifestyle, and his mom could've been Martha Stewart's mentor. Her cooking and housekeeping skills were top-notch. No wonder he was miffed with my lack of skills. Also, I didn't feel it was my duty to tend to the home, but rather to work. I had to, and I expected him to contribute to the cooking and cleaning, too. He was a great cook, but pouted if I didn't have something hot and ready waiting when he came home, which was whenever he felt like it.

I wish I'd been warned that the disillusionment phase was bound to happen for both of us, that it was normal, and that we'd adjust if we worked at it. In fact, I wish someone had told me that in order to succeed, a marriage REQUIRES WORK! I later learned to compare it to a garden. It's not enough to plant seed and water- if you just leave it at that. The garden will eventually go to weed if not carefully nurtured. A marriage is like that. Maturity comes in time, if we're aware that we might not actually have it yet.

ADVISE:

1) Don't assume "love is all we need", unless your idea of love also incorporates budget making, an agreement on who does what around the house, short and long-term goal making, and more. Whatever was the norm before marriage for the two of you, if you lived together, will likely be the norm now as well. If he leaves the toothpaste cap off the toothpaste, and it bugs you- and you bring it up, don't be surprised to hear about a few of the things he really loves about your habits, too! It's wise to not even sweat the small stuff, but it's nearly impossible to go on forever picking up the toothpaste cap off the floor and washing the stuck-on hairs off of it without beginning to get annoyed!

2) Communication. It's vital. In the early days, we can think of so much to stay up until three a.m. talking about. The realities of work and/or kids makes this more difficult and less desireable. It's so important though, to make a real rebonding and connecting time regularly, inside AND OUTSIDE the bedroom.

3) Meeting of the minds. Early on, make it a priority to agree to a certain, common budget. This takes discipline, because people do not enjoy being held accountable for their spending to someone else. This is especially true if the partners are young and are just beginning to enjoy the thrill of having their own money. But, in marriage, you ARE accountable to one another. Failing to be held accountable to one-another for our spending was one of the biggest mistakes in our marriage, and a huge contributing factor in our near-divorce.

3) Division of labor. This is another area where many problems arise early on. If both work, no matter WHO makes MORE MONEY, the household chores should be shared. It's not fair for one partner to expect the royal treatment when they get home if the other has also worked all day. This is an area where thoughtfulness, consideration, and kindess really matter. It's easy during the "in-love" days, before one partner or the other takes their mate's acts of love for granted, and begins demanding certain services as if they are "expected duties".

4) Back each other up in child-rearing! Before you have children, you can only speculate as to what type of parent you're going to be. You have a plan, and it usually has at least one element of "I'll never do this to my kids like my parents did to me!". Later on, you'll laugh at that statement. Before the kids come, get together with your spouse and plan as much as possible. It will be a loose, flexible plan, but establish some definites that you both agree to. Does she favor spanking but you don't? Figure it out NOW. The way your spouse was raised says a lot about how they are likely, though certainly not guaranteed, to operate as a parent. Find out things like this before marriage. Do not let your heart overrule your head.

4) Do what the pros suggest, and go to premarital counseling! Don't go because you have problems, go because you want tools to use to keep the marriage maintained. Just as with your health, prevention and maintenence are preferred over repair and overhaul.

5) Keep positive thoughts, but realistic expectations.