Modelmom wrote about Myspace today, and it reminded me of an incident that happened almost a year ago. On Halloween, my inbox started filling with requests to be added to their friend list. And I mean FILLING. I suddenly got all the popularity I wanted in junior high. Of over 600 requests, I approved about 30.

On Myspace, I had myself listed as a 47 year old midget who makes over $250,000 a year in circus animal waste management. This will be important later in the story.

With that, here's what I posted on the site. I noticed a steady drop in the number of requests, which makes me sad, because it means people actually were bothering to read. Ooops. HeeHee!

"Yesterday was strange. At least 8 pages worth of people suddenly wanted to be my myspace friend. Well, see, the problem with that is that I truly have enough friends already, and 99% of the people that applied say the same thing. So yeah, I denied a lot of you. That's life. I can live with you hating me. So, in the interest of entertaining myself at other's expense, here's why you got denied.

A) Your space sucks. You ignored the rules of good design, and did your site more like a blood and gore fest than a fine architectural masterpiece. At least one of you almost got added, and then the damn background loaded. It made the text unreadable. Dark blue text on a mostly black background is stupid.

B) You are young. No seriously. I have a lot more in common with a 60 year old than I do with a teenager. Those 14 and under disappeared very quickly. Those 15-16 needed a really impressive personality to make it, and even then, they usually got denied. Even those under 20 had a hard time getting in. Truly, I have nothing in common with them, and I don't need their imaginary drama. I worked with teens before. Worst job of my life.

C) You think you're clever but you're not. Oh my. That's so cute. You are a hundred years old, and then you immediately introduce yourself and you're 18? Anachronistic. You say, "Wait a minute. You're doing the same thing." No, I'm not. Think about it. I make over $250,000 scooping circus animal poo? Not likely. There is a fine line between dodging the question because you don't feel like answering it and doing it to entertain.

D) You seem to have added me for the wrong reasons. Look, I think it's lovely that you are an 18 year old with hearts and bunnies all over your site. I really do. But you can't get more than a page into mine without realizing that I hate hearts, bunnies, and 18 year olds. Did you actually read my site? If not, why did you send a friend request? Is it because he who dies with the most myspace friends wins? If so, what do you win? Likewise, I don't feel you are a kindred spirit just because you also hate heart and bunny loving 18 year olds.

E) You are boring. This qualification is spotty. I let some in because they seemed to have some kind of hidden potential as neat people to talk to. I rejected others whose profiles were very similar. Give a little info, please. I am supposed to cheer for you just because you are a 37 year old Virgo with 2 kids? That's great for you, but seriously, what kind of music do you like? Movies? What do you do in your free time? Something... Anything...

F) YOU BUNCH OF IDIOTS WITH YOUR 700 PAGES WORTH OF SURVEYS AND QUIZZES!! Just as there is not enough info on some, there is too much on others. I do not care what you ate for breakfast. I do not care about the precise time you woke up this morning. I answered those same questions, but at least I buried them within a blog.

G) Drinkers, smokers, partiers, etc. *yawn* Geez. I thought my own Gen X was lazy, but you guys really need to get it together. You are not cool just because you can lift a glass. You are not awesome just because you stay out until three. If you were trapped on a desert island by yourself, you would wither and die, because you couldn't keep yourself entertained. Seriously, develop some imagination and better hobbies.

H) It is "rock" not "rawk". And even this is better than a lot I saw. I get it. You're trying to be cool and so you're using leetspeak. Whatever. I was doing that back in 1986, and it was lame then. So was I, but I just didn't realize it. And no, it's not retro. It's stupid. On the other side of it were the ones that just couldn't spell. No, I'm not one of those people on message boards that follow you around and point out all your spelling errors. I just ignore you isntead.

I) "Private". If I can't view your profile, I can't reject you based on an arbitrary reason. So I have to reject you for no reason. This was the one universal one. I don't care which ones were violated above, there was still a small chance. But this was an automatic goodbye. Goodbye!!

If you have made it past this list, in spite of committing one or more of these sins, it is because there was something about your profile that made me think twice. I urge you to change your ways!! Please don't ask me why I picked you if I am so irritated by you. This will only make me change my mind. Just shut up and enjoy the ride. For all of the people that did make it- have fun and enjoy laughing at my expense!!"