My Waking Dream

As much as the non-lucid dreams sometimes haunt me at night, the waking dreams are just as vivid. It really isn't a bad dream. In fact, quite a good one. But it is hard to have because it seems so far away right now.

I have this dream for my future. I see myself, old, plump, slightly wrinkled, and smiling. I am in the garden of a little house in my hometown. There are tons of pansies of every color you can possibly imagine. And there are several peony bushes blossoming and filling the garden with their scent that reminds me of my Nana so much. And there is one rose bush, for my Bompy. My garden is not large, but it has a nice tree for shade and a couple of chairs. One for me and one for him. He is my lover, my partner, my friend. He is kind and a little goofy and he makes me laugh a lot. He runs his hand over the back of my neck as he hands me my coffee and sits beside me. Sometimes we are quiet, enjoying the pleasure of thinking together. Sometimes we talk about the places we've been, our children, our grandchildren. Sometimes we make plans for a trip that we may or may not actually take. Sometimes we go for a walk in the park or for coffee at one of the local coffee shops. Sometimes we go out and buy loads of groceries, just because we can. And sometimes we shop to prepare a delicious, homey dinner for our friends. Sometimes, we dance under this tree in the spring rain, humming a tune only we know. And sometimes, we go inside and make slow lingering love. And yes, sometimes still, we even make passionate, loud, and life rejuvinate love. Always, we know that we have each other and we have our little space in the world. And always, we treasure the time we have had and the time we have now.

I don't know who this man is, or where the house is, but I know they are both there. I can see them, I can feel them. And even though right now, I really, really hurt and feel so very sad - I know that that dream is there and I hang on to it with all my heart. And I believe. Because right now that is all I have. And that makes this heartache - these multitudes of heartaches really - worth it.