MY NY

My new new york,
i came back to new york, looking for "my new york"
"-MY-" new york, something of mine,
that belongs to me , that is a part of who i am,
part of what made me -me.

i saw the people that used to be my friends
i saw the places i used to spend my time at
i heard the sounds i used to hear.
and smelt the smells i used to inhale into omy lungs everyday.

the clacking of the jump roap on the wood, the monotonous beat of the speed bags,
the slamming of domino's on the table in the corner. the smell of sweat, blood , dreams and tears.
the stench of garbage in the streets, the homeless in the subway and the smoke in the air.
the conductor announcing the train stops.
the non-existent eye contact in the train.
the thugs
the fags
the beat ,the rhythm, the language, the style.

i went to a fight night, and for one last night, lived the dream,
i saw the crowd, the reporters ,the support ,the blood, the guts... the tears.
the people, MY people, MY friends , MY life....
MY dream, the one i will never have.

but not any more, new york has nothing more to offer me.
i have given all that i have to give ,i have taken all that i can take,
she in turn has given me all it can offer, and has taken from me all she could take. everything.

but i know the truth about it , i know that behind the sparkling lights on broadway, where the creme-de -la creme, come to be seen wearing their furr coats and plastic lips, lie the streets of hells kitchen, where the heroine strung whores are crawling the streets to get some cash to go to the crack houses on 43rd st.

ive seen the Escaleds, the VIPS, the fifth ave and the *bling*
ive seen the so called dream but ive also seen the lie
cos ive seen the same people who walk proudly in the 5th ave, sporting their Gucci's and Prada's flock to Chinatown to buy their rip-off Louis vitton,
ive seen the same the pimps and playa's in the vip , sweeping the local miki d's so they can keep paying for their games.
i know that the good looking-nice smelling-outgoing-friendly-bleach haired, silicone improved-teeth whitened-men adored women in the clubs, run to the bathroom every 30 mins, to sniff another line of coke, to try and fill up their soul with all the essence they lack, and try to hide with all the pastic.

ive seen seen the actor stand on stage , get a huge standing ovation, but i was also there to see what happens when the show is over, and the lights turn out , literally, i was there to see it al go black. ive been there , and lived to tell about it.

i have taken a bite out of the big apple, only to find , that the apple inside, is rotten.

i have seen the lie,

but this is the lesson that new york had to teach me. and it could only teach it to me the way it did.

i am walking the streets, smelling the air, hearing the sounds, feeling the beat, and now i know.
my dream is no longer here.
it is time for me to move on,
to let go of my dreams,
of the lies
and move on
to the truth

these people are not my people, these streets are not for me to walk, this air is not for me to breath, these sounds are not for me to hear, the tasts not mine to savor, the beat not mine to dance to.
it is not mine.
it feels funny, walking around your home, your people, your memories, only to feel that nothing is really yours, nothing fits, nothing clicks. its like im out of place.its not as exciting as it used to be, not so fulfilling, so satisfying.
i came to NY to find MY new york, something of mine. only to find that i have nothing left here.

my life is somewhere else.
my - MY- is somewhere else.
and although the search is still on, at least i know i wont find what i want in new york.

i wanted to catch one more second of fullfilness, to experience the rush, the ring, the fight, the win ,the blood , the sweat, to hold on to my illusion for one more second. to be granted one last moment of bliss, to hold on to it, and let it comfort me one last time, to be empowered by it. for one last moment in life,i wanted to dream.
i came to NY to live my dreams, and i came back to catch a glimpse of what remains of my dream....and in new york, where i dreamed for so long, and made my dreams come true, where i lived them ,fought for them, and cried for them, i realized it is time to wake up. and stop dreaming.

my dreams are not here.

it is time to move on...........