More History of Dating and Mistakes

So, if you're reading the post below this one there's a history there of many kissy face incidents over the years and as I type this I"m sure I may very well remember more of them.

The thing was, I can remember wondering why these guys never stuck around.

Course, I wasn't allowed to date. Till I was about 16/17 that was a problem for these guys. I couldn't go to parties. I can say that it never occurred to me that what I was doing wasn't the best way to go about having a "nice" boyfriend.

I remember one time I asked my brother about sex and he says, "what you put into your body and take out of it you have to live with" ... what? And I was supposed to learn what from that? dugh?

Course, we weren't that close to begin with. Due to our household and upbringing and stuff. We're still not close today but while I can wish once in a while that things were different I've accepted that they're not. Come to think of it, I used to chase my big brother around too, but he never reciprocated my uh ... attempts to have some kind of relationship with him.

I have a sister too but I don't talk about her often. She ended up dating all these losers who beat the crap out of her and doing drugs to bury the upbringing she had and the beatings she got, which I didnt' but my brother did too, got beatings I mean. I don't talk to her, last I heard a few years ago was that she'd had a stroke. I didn't even really know her either ... She was out of the house when I was really young. When my father died in 1989 she showed up for the funeral and she lost it for quite a while after that. She was really fucked up, I gotta tell ya. She thought getting a beating was love. Hell that's what she got at home wasn't it? THe poor kid. My brother doesn't see it that way but then again, he got beatings too and handled it differently. My sister, she was shot from a very young age. Shot as in, long gone from healthy mentatlities. It's a shame, she was a beautiful girl too. Thankfully I never got into the drug scene.

I smoked pot here and there, I guess maybe 15 times or so, but that was it. Funny stuff pot :) LOL How we'd laugh smoking that stuff :)

But this was it, I saw what cocaine and shooting up did to people, and believe me I'm just like really proud of myself for never going that route. I saw what it did to people and outside of my cigarettes? I'll take those over what I could have become addicted to, that's for sure. So, smoking is my evil? Okay ... s'fine with me for now.

Anyway... after my mother died in 78 by a drunk driver coming out of an intersection and T-boning her car, she died later on the operating table. My brother was with her in the car and he's had to live with that his whole life. THinking it was his fault. I"m going backwards but I think it's important, my dad wasn't there emotionally for me. I'm not pointing fingers, the man didn't know what the hell to do. I get that.... I guess ... everyone else, getting back to the boys and this pseudo dating I was trying to do ... was just me trying to even "have" a boyfriend like everyone else and I just kept trying.

My dad had started to date at some point and I found out years later that the first woman he dated was set up by this guy Tubby and she turned out to be a prostitute. Her job, according to what I heard later was to help my dad get out of his grief coma and then get rid of her. Course, he got sucked in and started spoiling her, she'd come over the house and they dated, matter of fact, I think... she took me to the doctor with him one time and they found out I was anemic... so I had to start taking iron pills for that. Then she took me shopping, I can't remember with or without him and bought me this pretty dress... OH my goodness, which I wore to this wedding and there was ... oh my! another GUY! LOL ... his name I think, I could be wrong but, may have been albert. At 13 (yes my dad should really have been paying attention to what I was drinking LOL) an in that dress with the boots we'd bought I looked older, I'm sure. My brother was at this wedding come to think of it with his girlfriend Jean. She was really nice actually. Anyway, I'd slammed some whisky sours and I do believe... I liked albert.. and guess what? I do believe I also kissed albert LOL ... man, I'm like the kissing monster hu?

He called a few times after that too, but I have absolutely no idea what happened with that either.

It's funny the mixed messages we get when we're younger that can carry with us until we're older about what it takes to have a boy "like" you. I had no idea what that menat back then. I did however like necking LOL but I've said that a whole lot. Necking was just really fun. I would have preferred a steady boyfriend though and I think sometimes and I'm not blaming that if my dad would have allowed me to have a boyfriend that I may not have gone through so many fella's making kissy face all the time. It was all I was ready for to be honest and that was okay with me.

I liked this guy, John V., and I ran into him with his wife at the mall a couple of years ago and I was still... like a school girl, I regressed in an instant, broke out in a sweat and remembered trying to kiss him too! LOL at the bike rack at my middle school. He peddled away and I always had a crush on him. Oh and then there was Danny P., everyone liked him because he was tall and cute. I don't think I ever kissed him though. Seemed like everyone was running around kissing everyone. At least I was :)

Insert: We had this georgous health education teacher Mr. L ... man that guy was HOT LOL ... okay insert over.

I liked this other guy Jeff around the block from my house he was older too but my brother who he knew woulda killed him. Although he did come around in his car (oooh how cool he hadda car!) to talk and say hello.

I was a very lonely person. I think... I think sometimes I still am.

So, lets see... Oh and NO, never made kissy face with this fella here, I thikn my brother woulda turned him into a pretzle over that.

Now what is interesting is that I ran into this guy John L. a few years back, he was with his wife. This guy is HUGE like 6'5" tall or more really, and we were seated in this buffet chinese food place and he told me after introducing me to his wife that he had a huge crush on me, (while I waited for his wife to want to pummel me LOL but she was cool with the story) but he was afraid to ask me out because "everybody" knew that my dad was very strict and I'd get into trouble.

Oh god, there was that boy scott I kissed too ... that lasted a week. Forgot all about him. heh... Still in high school by the way. He was a bad kisser actually... for what it's worth.

Now, I don't know if everyone was doing this in highschool or middle school but it was something that I was doing... my other friend was doing it too.

So, lemme think... that's just middle school and high school.

You begin, I think to get this impression that sex and kissing are intimacy. That's what boys want, that's what you do, it's fun (the kissing and then later the sex) and who thought to tell me that I had to "like" them as a person too?

oops.

Or that drugs were bad and adicting... or was I hung up on the fact that Chuckles the drug addict kept showing up and liked me? Hmmm... don't know. I mean my friends were all having fights with their boyfriends over stuff so, it seemed... normal. Ya know?

There was another guy up in NY State who, I think I had sex with, I was about 17 but I don't remember having it because I went up there for a party and passed out from the Jack daniels. In the morning I did feel a little funny down there, :) heh... but I didn't know anything else about that. So, I did'hnt think about it anymore. Although I could have. I just don't remember it. We were kissing in his room (that damned kissing again right?) So, figure I was willing to drive an hour and a half to see this guy... on a weekend. Is that not... interesting?

I cna't remember, I think he came down to see me. But I think too that I didn't mention it to my dad. I was still stuck on all the NO dating rules. You just didn't mention that to dad because all these things were a secret for so long (you know, all that KISSING) that you just didn't say anything.

THis guy had an oober nice body I must say. :) Course if we had sex, that wasn't very nice of him. Okay that would be considered rape if I was sleeping or had fallen alseep becuase I still did have clothes on but I have to say I don't remember. Too much JD ... that stuffs just no good for ya. And don't forget, alot of my friends were partying too... it wasn't out of the ordinary to tie one on and get schookered.

Now, Eddie... :) I'm still fond of this turd, I'd out grown him quite a bit, but we dated on an off, from kissy face and don't tell my dad about him, to an actually boyfriend/girlfriend thing when I was about 17 or so I guess.

When I wasn't allowed to date I'd hear his muscle car going up my street at night and I'd look out the window to see if it was him. It was too... that was kinda cute. He had this white malibu with primer all over it. It needed body work. I can still see it driving up my street. That's so interesting isn't it? how we see things after not thinking about them for so long?

Oh, and let me not forget the time, which is probably why I didn't tell when that guy in the barn kissed me against my knowing what to do about that, why I didn't tell... my friends Uncle by marriage made a pass at me at her house, at a family function. He didn't "DO" anything and I don't remember what he said but I was 12 and he was in my face and everyone else was in the other room and he was talking some shit to me... I felt very uncomfortable. So the next day I told my friends mother about it and she said, I must have made a mistake. Well fuck you very much I made a mistake you asshole.

Thankfully with this other incident with the guy in the barn I had my older friend who lived there tell me it was inappropriate and I didn't do anything wrong. That's the guy I punched in the face when he tried it again. I've got some right hook I tell ya :)

I don't think, that in this whole pattern that .. I was desperate ... like, I have to have a guy, I think it was ... about "having" a guy to begin with to have a boyfriend. Which up until the boyfriend Eddie, I wasn't allowed to have. So, looking to be close to someone ... became this quiet unseen mission of mine. ANd if we argued and stuff, as you'll see later in my worse choices, arguing was normal in my house. So, it wasn't too far of a stretch for me, with all the other evidence of those around me arguing too with their boyfriends to not think this was normal behavior.

Looking for luv in all the wrong ways comes to mind. I think the most honest sexual intimate experience happened to me when I was 28. :) ... It got all messed up that's another story I'll get to eventually. But it was adorable ... we were like two innocent kids experimenting with one another, but we'd known each other for a couple years at that point. :) It was one of the dumber things I've done because of the outcome but ... it was still so sweet while it lasted. By 28 I was so emotionally fucked up, I was terrified of getting attached to this guy. But we'll get to that later I suppose. Course :) I wasn't totally fucked up now was I? I'd gotten a bit better... through all that self protective armour and not trusting guys all that much anymore. I was a royal emotional mess. Very shut down too, and I was still searching for answers and for guidance and to understand. But I had "years" of crap built up, that I'd gone through and hearing that I was the common denominator wasn't helpful because ... well, it felt like they were all saying it was my fault. And I couldn't figure that out,

I do wish though that the one counselor that I'd gone to hadn't disappeared when I was 26 I went to see this fella, he was an old guy, and I really wanted help ya know? I was so ... fucking tired at that point in my life. I was so ready to get some answers or for someone to tell me what the hell I was doing wrong or what I needed to "do" to make it better and I saw this guy once and then he moved I think to another facility and that was that. I was really disappointed because he was the only counsellor that I met at that time who saw right through me. He was a doll :) he really was. He had me pegged literally pegged... I was impressed :)

Digression... but that's what I do and I'm probably going to keep doing this as I go along.

My Uncle Freddy a long time family friend made a pass at me too. We went to visit that fucker when I was about 18 or 19 after many years, or maybe I was younger? I don't know but it was after 17 definitely. And he sat next to me at the table. Fine... then he began rubbing my knee with his pinky. I thought, must be a mistake so I moved over a little bit. My Aunt Tessie was right across from me too by the way, my dad and his wife the step troll, was to my ... left. I think... anyway, I move over. Jerkoff moves over too and continues rubbing my knee with his fingers! I went to go to the bathroom and he came up shortly after that and I gave that peice of shit a very wide berth going down those stairs, so he couldnt get hold of me.

I told my dad when we got in the car, and believe me if aunt tessie wasn't across from me at the table I would've told that man off and knocked him on his ass too. But I just couldn't seem to do that to Aunt Tessie. It was the last time I went there too. Becaues I dno't have that kind of control. To keep my mouth shut anyway.

My dad, he said, I forget what he said, but he didn't go in tehre and pummel that guy. I do hope he did SOMETHING that I never heard about ... that's for sure. Jeeze... I mean, what'd I do? Nothing... not one damn thing. There I am, being me, and with this guy you trusted from when you were a kid and this cocksucker starts rubbing my knee? WTF is THAT all about? shit... right?

Now, believe me I look back on my life, and I'm not done yet but I look back and I realize I could've had it alot worse in so many areas but ... these things all happened and they all took their place with some kind of perception about life and trust etc., so they matter. And that matters because it's morphed me into who I am today. The goal here in writing all fo this out is so I can make something for others about what I've been through.

I was a good girl who had no guidance. And I was a good girl who had no idea what love and intimacy equaled until later on. That's okay... better late than never... I do think it's really sad though because sometimes now, I see a young girl and she's got her shit together ya know? She was raised in a nice family, and has guidelines and stuff, went to college and is ... they have a clue... well, they had a different lifestyle than I had anyway... and I find myself wishing that my life had been different. That someone would've told me or stuck around to show me things differently. I can't go back, I do feel remorse sometimes that I really was such a good girl but massively confused on so many levels emotionally as a person and stuff... and who isn't at some point?

To me, I was a good girl, doing what I thought were all the right things, iwth nothing to go on. Yes yes of course I know I can't do anything about the past, that's okay... and I'm not playing victim or anything. I think it's going to do me a world of good to get all this stuff out of my head and onto paper though.

My dad, another digression, (I was about 13/14 I guess) after that prostitute woman and him broke up dated this other girl sharon, and sharon had this other friend ... I forget her name but apparrently this girl and her friend were also prostitutes. Can you just imagine my brain absorbing all this mess when I got older? Now mind you I had NO IDEA about all this stuff going on.

until many years later. They actually broke into the house when we went on vacation that december oh... I was 12 and it was after my mom died actually, we ... hmmm... it's a mush up memory but I know that they broke into the house and stole my stereo and Tv's and shit, my dad tells ME not to tell anyone that we're going away on vacation? pffft...

Talk about not feeling safe and violated in your own home coming back from vacation hu? The other loon, Carol that he'd dated who we went to the doctor, she had a party at the house and some kids trashed the basement with all the games and stuff they were all over the floor and in disarray, which I had to clean up when we got back. It was ridiculous and I kept my stuff all neat... it looked like a tornado had gone through that place. Fucking moron dad... real bright... but he let her have the keys and she hadda party. That man was a mess ... my dad. I was ... I don't really now what I was. That was 6th grade so... that'd make me like... 12? yah because I'd turned 12 that year. She died in Oct., 78 so... that's about right.

Course I was worried about my roller skates. :) I'd gotten them as a graduation present. ... huh.. .maybe I was older... because that was for 8th grade graduation.

My brother and sister by the way were out of the house after my mother died. My sister already was out but she came back for a little while, but kept stealing stuff for drugs and I didn't exist, they were back to talking to each other and going through their own thing too. My sister left to go back with some asshole who did drugs and beat the hell out of her. Matter of fact I can remember a few incidents where we went over there. My dad, my brother and myself and they threatened this guy she was with, his name was Ronnie (funny I married a ronnie later on) anyway, my brother filled me in years later that like most abused women he'd go to protect her and help and she'd jump in him. Ain't that something? He goes there to protect her and beat the crap out of the guy beating the crap out of her and she jumps on my brother? She was lost a long time ... in her head. My brother doesn't see the connection between our family life and this. But I do, I tried to explain it to him once but he didn't get it.

I hvae to go get my laundry ... I may write more later.

Sharon was about 26/8 at the time and