Minivans

This is something that I have been noticing a lot recently where I live. I've always had a theory about minivans, or more appropriately, those who drive them. However, I have mostly kept this theory to myself because I feel it would be unfair to group all drivers of minivans into my theory.

Unfortunately, each and every day, every time I drive to or from work, to the store, or just anywhere, my theory gets tested and it has yet to fail.

This is my theory and it's quite simple, so I think everyone can understand it.

Sean's Minivan Theory: There's always gotta be some asshole in a minivan fuckin' it up for everyone else.

Now, what exactly does that mean? Well, let's take a look.

The most common is the epic failure behind the wheel of the minivan who drives as if they are lost. They will typically drive at least 5-10 miles below the speed limit.

They are not lost. Oh, no. The reason they do this is because of their self righteous attitude. They are fully aware of the traffic that is building up behind them but they don't care because they have taken it upon themselves to enforce the speed limit. But, it's not the posted speed limit. It's the speed limit that they believe should be enforced.

This becomes obvious when you attempt to pass them in order to overtake them and they speed up to prevent you from doing so. Then, when you pull up next to them at a stop light, they look at you and give you a smug smile that you'd like to wipe off their face with a brillo pad.

Unfortunately for these assholes, their minivan will not beat my car in a race. I drive a BMW 328i. I am not bragging, I am stating a fact. So, when I pass and overtake them, they change the game up. Now, the speed limit no longer matters to them. Their focus is trained on me, or whoever was lucky enough to get around them. In order show their disdain for such actions, they decide tailgating is the best route to take.

I believe I may know why this is. I have noticed that most of the minivan drivers who act this way are men. This leads me to believe that they feel emasculated because they are stuck driving a minivan.

If this is the case, the minivan driver needs to realize something. It's not my fault, or anyone else on the road, that you're driving a minivan. This, most likely, occurred for one of two reason.

1. Your stupid ass honestly believed that the "pull and roll" method would work every time

or

2. You conscientiously made the decision to further pollute this planet by making one or more miniature versions of yourself.

Point being, it's your fault. Quit trying to take it out on the rest of us.