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Mamas don't let your babies grow up to be priest wives ...

I remember one Russian priest wrote about the scarcity of candidates for 'matushki' in pre-Revolutionary Russia. What did these women fear?

Well, they knew things. They heard things.

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

I pulled this out of my old scrap book. A sob story about men who want to be priests who can't find wives. Good! I say. From this side of that proposal, I'd say that's divine intervention. Priests, once they are given a collar, have it apparently wired to the bark control or a very short leash. Attached to the other end is the bishop, usually a man with serious issues and only lip service to compassion, love and mercy. Trust me. The priest wives talk to each other. The priests talk to each other. Nothing more dysfunctional than church life when it is at its worse. And there's a real toxic pocket in America today!

From the Athens paper a few years back:

A lonely heart burns under the priest's cassock Orthodox fear celibacy of Rome

(boo hoo!)

Greece's young Orthodox priests are having to resort to matchmakers to find wives these days, as the number of young women willing to become priests' wives is dwindling, according to comments some of them made to the newspaper
Ethnos yesterday.

Prospective priests must find wives by the time they are ordained, otherwise they must take vows to remain celibate or wait until they have found a mate.

"Dozens of our seminary students every year have trouble finding wives," Father Vasileios Voroudakis, director of the Athens Ecclesiastical Lyceum, told the paper. "However, what I teach them is that they must find someone who can be a wife to them first, and a 'priest's wife' second," he added.

Father Evstathios Kollas, head of the Panhellenic Union of Priests, said the problem was not new.

"Women have always been hesitant about marrying priests... Women who marry priests are usually older women, those who are afraid of being left on the shelf," he said.

Kollas attributed the problem to the fact that priests were forced to wear cassocks and to other problems within the Orthodox Church, including what he described as the "despotism" and "lack of accountability" among the hierarchy.

"There are fewer and fewer married priests and in a few years' time there will be only celibate clergy, as in the Catholic heresy," he said.

"God save the Orthodox Church from such a terrible fate," he said.

* * *

Well, I say, God save the women and children first!

Every once in a while I get us veteran and dogeared priest wives get query pleas for help getting a soul mate at our earliest convenience with a photog of some pious, glow int he dark, hopeful and spiritual man on some bishop's list for ordination. I don't want to hear about his piety, I want to hear about his family values, his ability to care for his family, what his choice would be given some petty, pouty womanish ultimatum from his hierarch that violates his commitment to the special needs and hopes of his family. Is he strong enough for that, or is he owned? Is he man or slave? Will he be husband, or relegate his victim to a life of single parenthood tagging along taking his bullets and feebly sheltering the kids from strays? Will she be married to one man or one man and his controller? Worse than in-laws, this bears serious consideration.

And then there's the whole other stuff of living where you work. How sick is that?

The problem with eating and sleeping where there are all sorts of other toxic functions presents so many complex systemic issues. Where do you begin to deal with them? Actually no one wants to.

An old saying in Russia (and Greece, too, I believe). God bless and keep the bishop far from me.

That was true for me, too.

I preferred it when he was a priest to several outlying villages and we lived remote to any of his parishes and he had to fly in to them. The bishop was far, the churches were far, it was like Normal Life, not Perfect, of course, but a chance to breathe, to be. Sure, we had no family church life, but what kind of family church life do we have when he's working during that time, and we are seen as job props and target practice for access to him?

Identifying the root causes of church problems and dealing with it from that standpoint is critical to change. It is at its core a spiritual problem and a systemic organization problem. The Greek Orthodox Church in America has been in various places the sickest, most insulated environment on the planet. If anyone wants to be Orthodox, go elsewhere. As uncanonical as it is, there are at least other choices in America ... the OCA, the Antiochian Orthodox Church, the Russian Synod, the Coptic Orthodox.

Ashley Nevins is examining the dynamics and practicality with overcoming 3 hierarchal realities in a practical church management fashion will be coming; intervention of church hierarchs who are trapped in immoral or unethical practices, dealing with how the corporate laity and leadership are to intervene into such situations and what are the reasons they sometimes don't. It will also, hopefully, deal with restoration of a fallen leader. Another point will also deals with what is called 'Toxic faith' and 'Religious Addiction'. There are direct implications in how these issues impact church health and growth, drawing a lot from the book titled, Toxic Faith, by Steven Arterburn. He describes the dysfunctional roles people play in a dysfunctional church system. Fascinating stuff. This will be integrating paradigm shift theory into the mix of it. Jesus was big on paradigm shifts.

I have several problems with the foregoing paragraph. First, I am the first to disassociate -- its a survival strategy and it works -- sort of, at least about as well as denial does, thank you very much, but is at the very least to balm the fear for me ...

Its disassociated like men do ... make it an engineering, tactical forces problem.

But what it avoids is the family. The women and children.

Mamas, note to self: don't let your babies grow up to marry anyone even remotely considering the priesthood. If they want to be close to Jesus, for God's sake, marry a carpenter.

http://www.batteredsheep.com/dysfunctional.html

On the battered sheep website, an article on dysfunctional churches provides interesting reading (writer, Ronald Enroth). Read it as if its describing your future in laws or even your first husband:

"What are the hallmarks of unhealthy, aberrant churches? The key indicator is control oriented leadership, ministers who have a need to "lord it over the flock." Abusive leaders demand submission and unquestioning loyalty. The person who raises uncomfortable questions or does not "get with the program" is cast aside. Guilt, fear, and intimidation are used to manipulate and control vulnerable members, especially those who have been taught to believe that questioning their pastor is comparable to questioning God.

"Why does a pastor or priest (or hierarch) sometimes turn into a spiritual tyrant? I believe it is because of the human desire to control others and to exercise power over people. Each of us has been exposed to the temptation of power, whether in the role of spouse, teacher, or parent. An excessive will to power, coupled with sincere religious motives, can lead to the misuse of spiritual authority.

Read that article about the men lamenting the shorage of women willing to follow them and breed into that environment.

Now, do you know what I'm talking about? Until things change, these women need intervention, and God's shortage of supply dames for His ministers is your first clue.

You will notice in the sidebar the books deal with the men's side of the problem. Us lionesses have to protect our kittens, often alone, and ignored about our side of these issues. We are the collateral damage of these friendly Jesus fires. For us, there are way too few resources. In fact, as wives, we are of lesser status than the ordinary parishioner. We are neither fish nor fowl. We cannot be conspicuous in parish life without becoming a target. Hierarchs prefer those of us who are not by nature obsequious to be seen and not heard, anything more than that is pointedly diagnosed as suffering from ecclessiastical penis envy.

For us, we seek solace in secret societies of fellowship, often with those of other faiths (hoping they never convert), or too few books and too few websites. One of these is this:

http://www.family.org/pastor/married/

Notice, there isn't anything at all for the Orthodox except the fellowship I offer, and even in that, I suspect there's enough fear that hierarchs are laying in wait and have hacked the site and busy collecting dossiers on our members. This stifles freedom of speech. In fact, any speech could be grounds for treason and punishment.

I know this from personal experience, too.

Hubby's been kicked to the curb these last 9 months. He's still an 'employee' (meaning priest) in 'good standing' (meaning he could have an assignment) but he's being punished (for nebulous, variable reasons for which only the hiearch controls the narrative. The church promised to provide severance for these past months, but hasn't (who's going to sue, if they threatened to defrock if you do?) His teeth are rotting in his head, he's diabetic, we forage for leftover insulin, test strips and surplus unused syringes from friends. He needs glasses, my daughter needs her medication. Its left up to the welfare system to cover the shortfall because we fall through the cracks and the church, God bless them, chooses to default on paying benefits and severance.

OK girls, line up ... I have three candidates who need you to partner with them.

Conga line!

My daughter's prescriptions are way beyond welfare payments, state medicaid doesn't cover her $200 (and that was the deductible -- I can't even look at the cost of her three prescriptions). Visit my honor system at Amazon if you wish to give $3 towards that. And don't forget to consider getting a book for yourself, too!

You will have to cut and paste the url. Until I learn more, this is the best I can do. Any hints and resources are welcome. mhen_derson @ hotmail.com

http://s1.amazon.com/exec/varzea/ts/my-pay-page/P2W41Y7DHCL0NE/102-3729177-4360113

Posted in fear and loathing in the church | minister's wives | seminary Photini's blog | delicious | digg | reddit | 270 reads

Submitted by Photini on April 7, 2006 - 7:41am.

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Richard Haugk's book is highly recommended: Antagonists In The Church: How To Identify And Deal With Destructive Conflict, ISBN 0-8066-2310-1, it is frankly the single most useful book on interpersonal relations and clergy/organizer work around. In fact, other priest wives were the first source of the referral.

Here's a short definition from the book:

HAUGK'S DEFINITION OF AN ANTAGONIST: "Antagonists are individuals who, on the basis of non-substantiative evidence, go out of their way to make insatiable demands, usually attacking the person or performance of others. These attacks are selfish in nature, tearing down rather than building up, and are frequently directed towards those in a leadership capacity."

CHECKLIST FOR ANTAGONISM:

Notes: Haugk is careful to quantify that there's no 'recipe' for being an antagonist, but provides this checklist and the following 'flags' as helpful signs for identifying antagonists.

> 1) Is his or her behavior disruptive?

> 2) Is the attack irrational?

> 3) Does the person go out of their way to initiate trouble?

> 4) Are the person's demands insatiable?

> 5) Are the concerns upon which he or she bases the attack minimal or fabricated?

> 6) Does the person avoid causes that involve personal risk, suffering, or sacrifice?

> 7) Does the person's motivation appear selfish?

Haugk also states with some surety that antagonists frequently manifest several or all of five personality traits:

> 1) Negative self-concept

> 2) Narcissism

> 3) Aggression (Dag's note: this includes passive aggression)

> 4) Rigidity

> 5) Authoritarianism (Dag's note: The way Haugk describes this, it can be best defined as viewing the world as a chain of dominant/submissive relationships, or as an unending series of 'us and them'. In an antagonist's viewpoint, there are no neutrals, and if you disagree with them, you're an enemy.)

Haugk then delineates some 'red flags' that he says often identifies antagonists. Two points to make: Haugk says that rarely do antagonists fly only one flag, often they use a half dozen or more; and the explanations are mine, not Haugk's.

* Previous Track Record Flag -- The antagonist often is proud of their previous record of antagonism.

* Parallel Track Record Flag -- The antagonist behaves in an antagonistic fashion in other facets of his or her life.

* Nameless Others Flag -- The antagonist often cites other people who feel the same way', but when pressed will not give names. (Dag's note: This is a HUGE one in Paganism.)

* Predecessor-Downer Flag -- The antagonist will often tell authority figures how awful their predecessors were.

* Instant Buddy Flag - Antagonists often are immediately your friends.

* Gushing Praise Flag -- Antagonists will often compliment people beyond the level of normal communication or reinforcement. Later criticism will be just as effective.

* "I Gotcha" Flag -- Antagonists often try to trap people into factual errors.

* Extraordinary Likeability Flag -- Antagonists are often extremely pleasant and charismatic. (Haugk is careful to clarify that this flag never appears alone, and should not be considered diagnostic on its own merits).

* Church Hopper Flag -- Antagonists often move from religious group to religious group, seeking a leader or power structure that will enable their antagonistic behavior.

* Aggressive Means Flag -- Antagonists often use extreme, unethical, or combative means to accomplish their ends.

* Liar Flag -- Antagonists lie.

* Flashing $$$ Flag -- Antagonists often use money for highly visible displays of support for groups.

* Note Taker Flag -- Antagonists often take notes of casual or private conversations.

* Portfolio Flag -- Antagonists often establish complicated paper trails to support their own antagonism.

* Kentron Flag -- "Kentron" is a Greek term meaning "sting" or "goad". Antagonists often motivate through sarcasm or cutting language rather than simple language.

* Different Drummer Flag -- An antagonist often disregards rules for the sake of disregarding them, and then attempts to credit that flagrant disregard to personality quirks.

* Cause Flag -- Antagonists are often people who espouse causes. Haugk downplays this one, saying that most people who espouse causes are good folks. I'm inclined to downplay it even further given paganism's link to activism of all stripes. Haugk does point out that perhaps it's best to look at -how far- someone will go for a cause.

* School of Hard Knocks Flag -- Haugk (and myself) believes that people who learn through experience are valid and good. However, antagonists often flaunt their difficult and painful experiences as somehow validifying their current disruptive behavior.

* Situational Loser Flag -- Antagonists often view being on the losing side in a debate or decision as a personal defeat.

EARLY WARNING SIGNS:

A chill in the relationship -- Someone who changes their behavior towards you without warning or cause can be an antagonist.

Honeyed 'Concerns' -In Haugk's words, "A red-flag person who expresses 'concerns' typically means 'angry'".

Nettlesome questions -- Antagonists often gather detailed info in preparation for discreditation.

Mobilizing forces and pot stirring -- Antagonists then usually gather forces around them who have only been given their side of the story.

Meddling -- Concern may be shown about matters not relating to the antagonists' area of normal interest; another group or another project, for example, within a larger group.

Resistance -- Final early warning sign is outright defiance or scorn for extant leadership or projects.

LATER WARNING SIGNS:

Sloganeering -- Fixing on one or more emotionally charged slogans to ferment dissent.

Accusations -- Making accusations that may or may not be relevant to any actual content or goal of the group.

Distorting -- Antagonists frequently distort or amplify reports of incidents.

"Judas Kissing" -- Antagonists abuse friendships to further their ends.

Smirking, Pestering

Letter Writing -- Perhaps using registered mail, email with response features turned on, or other forms of communication. From my own experiences, the Pagan/internet variation on this one seems to be multiple email addresses and multiple identities in order to give validation.

Pretense -- Antagonists often paint themselves as underdogs, exploiting most people's sentimentality.

Lobbying -- Antagonists often turn their attentions towards new members of a group or community.

That's probably enough for now. If you know anyone in the community who evokes this behavior, perhaps you should consider refusing to enable it. Haugk makes a good point that strong people who take actions needed to remove disruptive personalities from a community are less vulnerable to antagonists, and in his opinion religious leaders have a divine responsibility to remove those people in order to defend the community.

Barring removal (which may not be practical), Haugk considers the only other possible counter as ignoring the antagonist. Antagonists feed off attention; they don't care whether it's negative or positive, as long as someone's feeding their desperate need to be noticed and be the center of attention. In my experience, this actually works better than removal. Removal, even if you do it by the rules and for good reasons, creates martyrs.

What Richard Haugk doesn't face head on is the eclipsing issue in many churches where the enabling, triangulation and chronic management dysfunctions originate at the head of the organization in hierarchical dysfunctions, which Ashley Nevins, I hope will be able to publish someday.

Another good source for clergy is G LLoyd Rediger's book, Clergy Killers. "Through conflict is common in church life, not all types of conflict are normal—some are in fact abusive. Clergy Killers offers remedial strategies for pastors and congregations who want to prevent such abuse, support spiritual leaders more adequately, and build healthy congregations where conflict is not abusive."

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