Light another smooth

I joined here a few days ago thinking I knew what I was going to do, thinking maybe posting here I could once again find my inspiration to write. Thinking maybe I could find my poetry again. I also started doing stock photography the same time to put a new spin on the pictures I used to take. But today I do not know what I am doing with either, my creative streak seems to be leaving me behind.

Lately my mind has been racing so much and so fast that I cannot keep up and cannot get a single thing done before I'm off onto something else.

I have things I want to do and I have the time to do them, if I could just stop. I want to write again and improve from where my writing was when I left off. I want to take pictures. I want to create things. I want to play my guitar. I have the time for these yet I cannot find the time.

I only venture outside to take pictures of stuff around the yard, the cemetery, the power lines, but I am never out more than a few minutes before I become paranoid and rush back inside. It has always been there, the fear that something will happen and no one will be there, the feeling that I am being watched or followed, but it has never been this bad. I shut myself up in my room and shut the world out. I get lonely and I miss my friends, but I do not wish to be around anyone, to see anyone.

I guess my greatest fear is myself. My depression has been getting worse which in turn seems to make my social anxiety worse. I stopped going out when my friends moved. I do not know how to make new friends as I do not even know how to talk to people. And I hate it. Since I have stopped going out I have lost 20 pounds and I didn't need to. I feel like a stick.

I think I am losing my mind.

So I light another cigarette to ease the nerves.