Just the sex and nuttin but the sex ...

Now, I'm not a connosiour (sp?) about sex but I know a few things I've picked up over the years.

In sifting through my life and this guys life to see if it's worth making such a fuss about, I thought about the sex. I'd thought it was good and fun but ... and I'm not putting him down in any way ... because I've been confused about the entire situation.

I'm evaluating what the big hoo haa is, for me, with this guy ... I mean, it was "just sex" it was nice sex.. but it wasn't the best sex on earth. I think the cuddling and lying there together after was kind of better then the act itself.

Now I'm 41 in the here and now, but when I oriignally met this person I was 25. We sure had us a time sexually. Matter of fact I couldn't get enough of the guy. We were both pretty attracted to one another. That hasn't apparently changed too much but my life experience in these matters has.

I've realized that in wanting to be close to him, sex was the best way to do it. I felt close to him but the reality was ... we were both seeing other people, he's always been committment shy and seeing other women on the side. I fell into the game back then and of course got burned in the long run because I don't do that whole dating two people at a time. Its just damned confusing. I can tell you I've never done that again !

Back to my point... he's still having the same sex we used to. Meaning, I guess technique doesn't change after all these years. I'm surprised it hasn't because after dating people between the age of 25 when I was younger through to the present age of 41 ... well there is something to be desired.

When you sleep with a man and his heart isn't open and you don't feel close to him on an emotional level... the sex is never the same.

Because you're just not close as people. I had one guy who was talented as hell but in retrospect as well that was our way of being close as people when we weren't close as individuals without the sex. That was technique though he was pretty talented :) ... but what I'm getting to is that other than my having sex with this ex boyfriend this weekend. Nothing really changed ... not one thing.

I remember me and this guy had sex and the one time he opened his heart "during" ... wow that was totally different.

Having someone be attracted to us sexually is nice and flattering and feels like great attention doesn't it? but ... what kind of attention do we want? I took a long break from this ... and I have to say, it was fun ... it was nice to be that kind of close with someone but ... it may has well have been with a stranger. It wasn't that kind of sex where you really do know someone for 16 years and there's more caring involved and all that good stuff... it was ... sex. Period. No emotional attachment no connection, not really... cept for the obvious connection two people make while having sex.

I'm not knocking the guy... I mean, he could brush up on some techniques or learn some new stuff that'd be no problem ... but that's not what I'm saying. I'm not looking for just sex ... although it's enticing ... What I'm saying is that I'm not impressed with how we connected on such an intimate level as people.

There wasn't any heart in it ... I don't think my heart was fully in it either... it was nice after all this time but ... there was something missing. And you know what? That's just a shame ... it really is.

I mean I've been fond of this guy for years. I spend holidays birthdays and all kinds of stuff with his family (I kept them he's been cool about that) and we had sex and I dind't have any expectations about it but I think whats a shame is to know someone all that time and there not be any "real" emotion in the sex part. There was a lot of emotion in the cuddling part ... but there was ... I could still feel like ... space between us even though we were smushed together on the couch. Something was missing... and I think it was my heart ... Personally, I've buried any feelings I have had left over for this guy for years.

That could be some of it, but the rest is that I just do not trust his intentions. And frankly as confused as I feel about the whole idea, I'm really not of the mind right now to even have that conversation with you. You know, if he wants a relationship or if he just wanted to be friends w/benefits. Because I don't know, at this juncture if I want him in my life as a partner.

That's some shift from the girl who pinned over him all those years wondering why he didn't love me or try to get together with me. And now that he's made this ... attempt I guess you'd call it ... I'm not so sure his life fits with mine. I mean, this is a tough thing on me because I'm asking someone who was heartbroken 16 years ago to wake up here ... the questions need to be ...

Do I love this guy?
Do I want him in my life?
What does he bring of value into my life that I dont already have?
Is he a bonus to my life that I've worked so hard to make drama free? I truly do not have any drama in my life.
He on the other hand has drama... to visit on the weekend is nice but is dealing with his self created mess something that I want to live with, within a real relationship?
Is he even capable of having a healthy relationship?

Now I'm not saying he's a bad person. I get rid of bad people. He's walking around as confused as the rest of us can. I get that... I am saying that within a relationship ... is HE any good for ME this time around. If this is a "time around"

Sex isn't love.
Attention isn't love.
Implying that we could have something good, which he did do. Is not love...

Maybe I"m on shaky ground on this love thing but it sure doesn't feel like love to me.

Matter of fact as I'm saying above here I dno't know if I want to even try to see if he and I can have a healthy kind of love and/or relatinship even if he did open up and learn new techniques... that's fresh I know but that's always been missing with him in retrospect. He's considerate in that he's not stopping till your happy but ... it's not the same kind as I've felt with someone who really cared about me. Hell it's even contingent upon how close I feel and open up to them as well.

I get that too...

I just took a little snooze today, I'll be seeing him later and I'd woken up too early then went back to sleep for a while and there I was in my pajamas in my dream, at his sisters, but it was a different location... so I go in my car to get some paperwork for his mom and then ... when I finally get out of the car ... (I got stuck in there for some ungodly reason! LOL) I go to go back to the thanksgiving dinner and he's showed up with like 2 other women and their kids saying how "they're all just friends" I'm sorry that boy doesn't "just" have women friends. He's always got something going on.

So there I was trying to see who he was with this time, feeling like an idiot for trusting him enough in what he's been saying and doing the past while ... and I thought ... man, a leopard never really does change his spots. And I woke up.

It's funny when we think we wanted someone for so long when we "seem" to have that opportunity it seems or we want it to be everything we've wanted for so long and then ... we have that door open a bit and it's like ... 16 years have gone by and I'm not sure that door number 3 is all for me at all.

Maybe this is just my time to examine how I really feel about this guy. He is after all the only person I didn't realize I didn't have closure with. I see it now though... it makes me sad. It makes me sad for him ... because his life is such a mess and it makes me sad for that young girl who held onto him in her mind in a particular way that's just now waking up to see him for who is... and like I said, h'es not a BAD person... he's a real sweetheart... as long as you're not involved with him ... he's always run from one relationship to the other. Then again so have I. I've made my bad choices... and I don't want to make anymore bad choices.

I would rather be ... I would rather cry, feel silly for getting sucked back in for the right reasons with the wrong person, then take this further and really really get hurt.

It's so enticing though. The thought of finally having a nice relationship. But ... who says it would be nice? I've got so much proof that he's not capable. Seems like I need to address that young lady who was so heartbroken so many years ago over this guy... I really loved him... or what I thought was love anyway. It wasn't a good relationship back then in retrospect. It really wasn't.

I jsut always wondered why he didnt' love me ... what I didn't know back then taht I do know now is ... that it wasn't all about me and my inability to love... I was an idiot I know that now but he always had isseus that I just never saw.

It's funny I'm like looking at this person like we've never met. And you know what? I dno't think I have met him ... not in all these years. Seems so strange doesn't it? You bet it is... it's some ... shift in perspective, that's for sure.

I only saw what I wanted to see based on the heart of a young woman who was heartbroken.

It's interesting to think that I may not want him after all this time. After thinking I did ... it's funny how I've never addressed this particular person and hwo intermingled our lives have been... I knew I had to cut off the way we used to relate to each other. Hell I knocked on his door too over the years. I was single he was there POOF more sex ... but it was the same kind of sex I'm talking about above.

That's some shit boy... to recognzie this. Now I appolgized to him and he's apologized to me over the past couple of years but ... and that's nice. But I would rather things go back to us hanging out and being fond of one another then ... all this emotional confusion with a man who is this evasive when it comes to how he feels ... and how willing he is to open up to me ... just because we talk to one another doesn't mean we feel safe or loved. It's just all talk ...

When the heart opens up... that's different. It feels different there's a comfort in it... but I dno't feel that with this person and I don't know if I want to find out. For all the above reasons too...

I think I just got played actually ... last person I had sex with was him three years ago and back then, not as self aware as I am now I was pretty messed up in the head over it ... that sucked big time. I'm not happy right now but I'm not as buried as I was last time. I mean... that time it just happened. I had gone out with his sister, I hadda buzz we were talking as friends do, he'd watched my daughter and his son ... and then ... my mind assumed "ASSUMED" that because he had a son and he was doing such a good job with him that this meant he was available for a healthy relationship... and I tell you... I remember distinctly through my one night out in god knows how long... how .... I didn't think it was a good idea. And of course he pulled the same shit he always did.

Course now there was a time 5 years ago where I'd knocked on his door too... had no intentions of having a relationship with him, set myself up mentally for not buying into it and that was just the sex I'm talking about here above again.

He was my ... old shoe. I didn't have to worry about ... anything really. Because he never showed up, well actually that time he did. He'd started calling like he thought it was great and how we just kind of did it and it just happened. Well... I knew better. We've bounced around each other for years really.

I get that too... I stopped all that nonsense though after that night out w/his sister. I knew that was a bad idea so I set a boundary with him that I couldn't keep doign that stuff because I was looking for a relationship and it hurt me to just do that anymore regarless of our past relationship ... And ... we've been "just" friends ever since.

I really wasnt hinking this past weekend about how things would turn out. My daughter was with my friend for the night, I had a night of freedome he was being attentive and we were just hanging out ... and, you know... give a single mom some freedome and she goes and takes advantage of it ... course it was ... I think with the thought process of ... maybe this time things could work out but I didn't have that conversation with him. I assumed that he wouldn't pull that mess knowing that I want a relationship in my life ... he's just not that stupid.

He remember stuff... he is so not a stupid man... and now, I don't knwo if I want him... I have a say ... I know that...

s'messed up ... I think today I'm going to go to thanksgiving, yes... it's always been with his family, I don't have any ... that's some pull for me too, a family included... my goodness right? Stuff my face, have some nice wine, and just ... see what happens. THere isn't a damned thing I can do about how he feels or does not feel but I tell you this there is a damned thing I can do about how I feel ... and I'm going to do my best to get myself and who I am "today" in some kind of control. Which is why I'm sitting here typing all this out ... It's got to all come out on paper and out of my mind.

The things we do for implied love ... that's something else. The things we want to see because we want something or think we want something with someone so much that we're willing to leap before we think it through. I mean think about how interesting this all is.

All these years of ... beign so fond of this guy, and all my relationship mistakes, his relatinship mistakes and wondering what he and I would be like together here and there and then ... something shifts and it's like... do I want what he brings to the table. Were we ever a good match?

Or was it something that I just wanted ... in my life ... it doesn't have to be him. Familiarity is nice, but I'm not losing his family or him in any way... he's not like that and neither is his family.

If anything ... well we can hope I've realized that I'm ... my heart ... isnt' 25 years old anymore ... and as much as it truly does pain me to see things clearly because it is surprising ... to see things like this... it's like a ...it feels like a good shake when you're all hysterical or soetmhign that THIS isn't all it's ever been cracked up to be... and what are you doing backsliding into something that you're not even sure you are up for?

That is some shit boy ... I mean I've been thinking about this for days... as you can see... sometimes I think I'm not being fair but ... this is my life. I have worked so hard on ME ... I can't just flush all that down the toilet because I want to believe that something may work out with someone that ... I had ... that made me wonder why he didn't love me.

The questions all above and now ... are alot harder. Do I love HIM ... and am I willing to do anything at all or have a conversation that leads ... who knows where with him. I certainly wouldnt' want our respective kids to pay the price for us grownups being idiots. He has a son I have a daughter ... :) You outta see them together. It is sooo sweet ... hell they could both be my kids as much alike as they look. Which of course is another enticment. Ready made family that I've never had ...

ya see how interesting all of this is? And they said love was easy LOL :)