Seems like it was just the other day (actually it was ten days ago already, egad) that I was going Bullwinkle’s Mr. Know-It-All about why it is that scientists always seem to lose popular debates, cocktail party arguments, and blogging flame wars. I wrote, as you know, my dear Holmes, that the union-certified, Ph.D.-carrying scientist must go docilely wherever the data lead, whatever that may do to your ego or your chances of getting elected to Congress. You may not futz with the data to make them fit your idea. If you feel that you must do that, quoth I, you have no choice but

to leave science and become one of those pseudoscientific demagogues who don lab coats, chase ambulances, and peddle manufactured calamities in the name of profit.

So there I was at the breakfast table, desperately seeking caffeine that was not coffee (never) or fizz in a red can (never before lunch), and trying to focus on the Sunday funnies, and … My God! There he is! In glowing two-dimensional three-color dots! My - my - pseudoscientific demagogue! In white lab coat, complete with the three pens in the left breast pocket! Standing there pontificating in Doonesbury, in the latest of Garry Trudeau’s series of “Public Service Ads from Hell�! My … Lois, call my lawyer!

Yo. Stop. Chill. I know I have no claim already. For one thing, if you know anything about the Sunday comics, you know that the artists get their strips to the publishers a month before they’re printed. Trudeau got his pseudoscientific demagogue in first. For another, I can count hits as well as anyone else, even if I do have a Ph.D. The only people who saw my blog before Sunday were me cleaning up typos, my six regular readers, and my mother and sister who took pity on me. Trudeau wouldn’t know who I am if he ran over me with his stretch Hummer.

For a third, Dr. Nathan Null, Situational Science Advisor to the President of the United States, took, um, my idea several steps further. Which is why Trudeau is a millionaire writer and cartoonist and I eat peanut butter sandwiches in a converted garage. He reminded us that you don’t always have to try to prove a scientist’s data are false. (One datum, many data. Your Latin/English lesson for today.) Just keep questioning them. Make a controversy of the whole issue. The guerilla warfare of discussion, the Al Qaeda of debate. Prolong the argument and make it too costly for the scientist to continue. As Stewie, the teenage victim of Dr. Null (which means No. Dr. No. Get it, you 007 fans?), says in the last panel, “I’ll never trust science again. It’s too controversial!�

Shoe shine! Get a bit of scientific controversy from a real Ph.D. and a shoe shine! Only a dollar …

  - O Ceallaigh

Copyright © 2006 Felloffatruck Publications. All wrongs deplored.

All opinions are mine as a private citizen.