"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet."

"You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is."

"Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac."

"There is one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught me with another woman. I wouldn't stand for that."

"I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own."

"The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney..."

"First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down."

"The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with."

"We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture."