Irrefutable

"I highlighted my hair, because I feel some strands are more important."

"I think big foot IS blury, thats the problem. It's not the photographers fault. Bigfoot is blury, and thats extra scary to me. Because there's a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside. 'Run, he's furry!'."

"Whenever I shave, I always assume there's someone else on the planet shaving, so I say 'I'm going to go shave... Too'."

"I used to have really long hair and people thought I was high on stage, because people associate long hair with drug use. I wish long hair was associated w/ something other than drug use, like an extreme longing for cake. And strangers would see a long hair guy and say 'That fucker eats cake. He is on bunt cake.' Mothers saying to their daughters 'Don't bring that cake eater over here anymore. He smell like flower. Did you see how excited he got when he found out your birthday was fast approaching?'"

"My friend asked if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No... But I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'"

"If you find yourself lost in a forest. Fuck it, build a house. 'Well, I was lost, but now I live here. I have severly improved my predicament.'"

"I don't have a microwave oven, but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks shit."

"I have a 'Do Not Distrub' sign on my hotel door, it says 'Do Not Disturb'. It's time to go with 'Don't Disturb', it's been 'Do Not' for too long. We need to embrace the contraction, 'Don't Disturb', 'Do Not' psyches you out. 'Do' 'Yes, I get to disturb this guy.' 'Not' 'SHIT! I need to read faster!'"

"My hotel doesn't have a 13th floor because of superstition, but c'mon man, people on the 14th floor you know what floor you're really on. 'What room are you in?' 'Fourteen oh-one' 'No you're not! Jump out the window and you will die earlier!'... 'Cause 13 is an unlucky number, right? Then so should the letter 'B' because it looks like a scrunched together 13. 'Hello, what is your name?' 'Bob' 'Get the fuck away!'... If 13 is unlucky, 12 and 14 are guilty by association. 'I saw you 12, you were hanging out w/ 13.' 'No I wasn't, I was w/ 11. You talk w/ 14 about that shit.' 'What you gotta say, 14?' 'Me divided by two, equals seven... Alright I was w/ 13, shit.'

"They say the recipe for Sprite is Lemon and Lime, but I tried to make it at home, but there is more to it than they act. 'Want some more home made Sprite?' 'Not until you figure out what the fuck else is in it!'"