I have threatened my friends with death if they mass email anything cute with the words "Send this to ten friends within the next hour." Seriously, I do not want spammers to get my email address, and the rest of your friends aren't intelligent enough to remove the rest of the email addresses before they send it on the the next person. For a while, I couldn't figure out what kind of lame-ass person actually enjoyed this. Then I met so many people that do this, I wondered if I was the only person not engaging in this drivel.

Yes, by God, that is the cutest puppy dog I've ever seen. You know he was bred at a puppy mill, don't you, and that he's dumber than a box of rocks?? Send it on to everyone you know so they can enjoy the dumb puppy photo.

Wow! That is truly the worst poem about angels I've ever read. Seriously, did a first grader rhyme that crap?!?

And then there's the urban legends, the "did you know", and the "let's see if we can start a chain letter that gets everyone to post their name, city, and birthdate to this list because spammers are trying to locate and sell social security numbers". And these idiots still wonder how they became the vicitm of identity theft.

But I have to admit, I really enjoyed this one in my inbox, despite the sender announcing my email to a bunch of strangers (A, you're on email probation for that one! lol).

None of that Sissy Crap

Are you tired of those sissy "friendship" poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship. You will see no cutesy little smiley faces on this card- just the stone cold truth of our great friendship.

1. When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.

2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile -- I will know you finally got laid.

4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get.

5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.

6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.

7. When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well again.. I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

Send this to 10 of your closest friends, then get depressed because you can only think of 4.

Friendship is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth.

And always remember....when life hands you Lemons, ask for tequila and salt and call me.