This is for Ellen, who, through no fault of her own, has been designated The Toilet Paper Role Changer for the office ladies room.

It’s happened to all of us. You walk into the toilet stall, sit down and notice that the toilet paper roll is empty. If you’re lucky enough to be in a restroom that keeps an extra stock of toilet paper on the back of the toilet, you can relax a little. That is, until you realize that the last person in that stall emptied the roll on the holder and didn’t bother to replace it. When you work in an office where this is a daily occurrence, it gets a little irritating. For some people, who seem to always get stuck with the empty toilet paper roll, it’s a little more than just a little irritating.

So, I offer these simple instructions for all of you toilet-paper-roll-challenged people out there. Take heart, even you can learn to change the toilet paper roll.

The toilet paper holder has a bar that runs through it. Sometimes this bar has a spring inside it and if you just push gently on one side of it, it will pop out of the holder. You can then unwrap the new roll of toilet paper, slide it onto the bar and replace the bar back into the holder the same way you got it out.

Sometimes the bar on the toilet paper holder is more securely attached to the sides. One side will be permanently fixed and the other side requires that you pinch a lever on the bar to release it from the side. Do not worry; this is easily done through the cardboard tube of the empty roll. Just take a deep breath and squeeze through the cardboard. If you’ve got the correct side, the holder will pop open and you can then pull the side away from the bar. If you don’t have the correct side, take another deep, cleansing breath and try repeating this on the other side. Now, don’t worry, this won’t take all day. There are, after all, only two sides to that holder.

Once you have released the bar from the side of the holder, again, unwrap the new roll of toilet paper and slide it onto the bar. Then fold the side of the holder back onto the bar, pressing gently until it snaps shut.

Et Voila! You’ve just changed that pesky roll of toilet paper all by yourself! But before you sprain an arm patting yourself on the back, remember to take the cardboard tube from the empty role and the wrapper from the new role out to the trash can to throw them away.

This brings me to my next piece of useful information, finding the trash can. Trash cans can be devilishly hard to find, I know. Sometimes they are shiny stainless steel, sometimes they are plastic (and then you never know what color that plastic is going to be), sometimes they are painted metal (once again, that problem of never knowing what color they’re going to be) and sometimes they are even recessed into the wall. For heavens sake, it’s like the garbage gods are just trying to mess with our heads! Never fear, though, there are one or two fail-safe methods of locating a trash can in whatever room you are in.

First, look around for a receptacle that has a plastic trash bag in it. I know you’ve all seen those plastic bags that people use to line their trash cans with. Heck, I bet some of you even use them yourselves. If you find a receptacle of any size, color or material that has a plastic trash bag tucked inside, it’s a good bet that this is, in fact, a trash can. Even if it’s not, no one will fault you for assuming that it is a trash can and using it as one. Go ahead; throw your trash in there.

If you still can’t figure out where the trash can is, look around the room for a receptacle with trash already in it. You might find a rather wide variety of receptacles that have been used for trash by previous visitors to the room – metal receptacles, plastic receptacles, cardboard receptacles; all with or without plastic liners. If you can see trash in any kind of receptacle, go ahead and throw your trash in there, too. Even if you wind up throwing your trash in a trendy purse that someone accidentally left behind, you won’t be the first one and can hardly be faulted.

With just a little bit of patience and perseverance, you’ll find that pesky trash can, rid yourself of the trash and be on your way. And you’ll take with you a sense of accomplishment at a job fully done and well done. Good for you!

You may be wondering if there are other useful things that Pussy Willow can teach you. Indeed, there are many things that PW can help you with. For example: how to open a dishwasher and place dirty dishes inside, how to wet a sponge and wipe off spills from a counter, what to do or who to call when you explode a Coke inside the office refrigerator, what to do when you want to speak to someone and you find them already talking on the phone, how to get someone’s attention by calling them by name. There are many, many things that Pussy Willow can help you learn to do in your daily life. Her enormous wealth of life-skills and information are at your disposal. Just leave me a comment and Ask Pussy Willow.