Have you ever wondered what your life would be like if you'd chosen a different path? Lately, I've been wondering myself, but I always come to one conclusion. If I'd chosen a different path, I probably wouldn't have my three beautiful children.

The past couple of years, my marriage has had a lot of ups and downs. More downs than ups, it seems. I know things need to change, and I keep trying to make them better, but I just can't seem to get everything going in the right direction.

A couple of different times, I have made up my decision to start working towards being able to support myself and three children. At times, it seems like a separation, and possibly even a divorce, is the only solution when my husband doesn't want to work on the marriage. Unfortunately, just when I get things going toward that, something always happens. Either my husband starts making an effort to help our family and I get my hopes up, or we get hit with some situation that makes leaving seem like it isn't an option.

This year has been especially rough. My epileptic husband has had two seizures, when he has only had 4 total in the entire 10 years we've been together. I feel like I can't leave him when he's so concerned about the possibility of more health problems- especially if he'd be alone with the kids. I can't stand the thought that he might have a seizure while the kids are alone with him.

Unfortunately, his medication adds to the problems. If he doesn't take it on time, he becomes easily angered, and sometimes almost violent. I live my life never knowing whether he's going to be the nice man I married or the monster created when his medication has worn off. And the fact that he refuses to change to a different medication only makes things more upsetting.

On top of that, we have recently lost one of our best friends to leukemia. In fact, we buried our friend on our 9th wedding anniversary. He was such a close friend that we have very few memories of the past ten years that do not include him. He and his wife are our closest friends, and losing him has been rough on our whole family. As much as I feel like I need to leave sometimes, I am often left with the feeling that leaving now would be like kicking the horse when he's down.

So I'm really left to wonder what is best for myself and my children. Do I stay and hope that things will get better, always living with the fear that the rug might be pulled out from under me at any time? Do I leave and seem like a B^&*$ for leaving when my family needs as much stability as possible? Do I continue begging to go to a marriage counselor, only to get shot down once again? Do I give it all up and worry that my husband's health might be a problem whenever they are alone with him?

So many questions to answer. So much to figure out. One of these days, things will get better.