Endless Loop
Back in the day, when I was learning Pasqual in High School, there was a programming term called 'endless loop'. It meant that once that line of code was read, the computer would cycle through the data it was attached to ceaselessly. In my mind, I often use this term to describe my thoughts.
The Loop: Classes, Grades, Getting into Grad/Professional School, doubts, doubts, doubts, feeling that I am not quite up to snuff, the weight of the future crushing me into the earth.
Happy thoughts, of course. Trying to change the perspective, but whatever I try I keep on returning to a familiar and well-beaten path, where the ground is rock hard and nothing grows.
All leads me into feeling anxious and vaguely depressed, and completely confused, because I have thought the life out of it and now have no idea what the hell I'm doing. Do I even want to do these things I have just spent or wasted four years of my life in trying to obtain? I don't know any longer.
So I decided to rebel.
This semester, I signed up again for the dragon: Organic Chemistry. It is, all in all, a tough but reasonable class. I know I can do it. However, I have taken it two times before under 'extenuating circumstances' and now the very thought of taking it once more so soon makes me exhausted. Perhaps I associate it with really bad things now...or perhaps it just is a pain in the ass. So I dropped it. Ha ha! Take that, you bastard!
This just postpones my battle with the Beast, 'til next semester or summer hence. I care not. The best part of my revolt is what I shall be doing in the meantime. I certainly shall not be worrying ceaselessly and feel like I'm constantly coming up short. Instead, I will be writing. I am filled with a glorious but guilty sense of pleasure at my new-found freedom. I hope to make the writing pay off, of course, but it is writing, and it is where my heart lies, so I worry not if it backfires. Try I must...
It's what I want to be doing anyway.
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Reminds me of a story ...
George McClellan, General in Chief of the Union Army, was unwilling to attack the Confederate Army in its trenches near Manassas. He proposed to take his army and move it to the Virginia coast, thinking that he could march into the Confederate capital Richmond before the Confederate Army could put itself in the Union army's path.
Lincoln, though a civilian, understood that no matter what the Union army did, the Confederate army, moving on shorter interior lines, would always get to a place before the Union army could get there. So he argued with McClellan, telling him:
"You will meet the same army, and the same, or equal, intrenchments, at either place."
Beware. In every path of life there are entrenched foes; there is an Organic Chemistry.
pish tosh...
write write write
ill read it
ill always read it
and if i do
someone else will too
o c is right
organic chemistry will always be there
in one form or another
but why rush
take your time
organic chemistry will always
be there