“Hey dude, you should have come with me to the A’s game tonight! It was fan … Where the hell is everything?!?"

“In the car, dude. Thanks for the help."

“In the car why, dude? What’s going on? That cash I gave you for the rent counterfeit or something?"

“The only thing bogus about that money was how you got it. And obviously you were too busy smoking the profits to …"

“There’s no beer in the fridge, even!!"

“Figured you’d notice that, and not that there’s no food in it either, and the sucker’s unplugged. I’d tell you to write a pay blog about a pizza joint, maybe we’d get a few bucks to buy a pie. But I packed your computer already."

“What the …"

“I’m trying to tell you already! Stop moaning about your piss-poor piss and listen, this time. Jesus, the least you could do is drink something decent. We’re leavin’. O Ceallaigh’s going back to Maine."

“What does his going anywhere have to do with us, dude? Hizzoner’s gone back to Maine before, and all that happened was we got put in cold storage for a few days."

“Yeah, but this time he’s leavin’ for good. And we’re goin’ with him. Our time in California’s done, man."

“You’re shitting me, dude! What’d he do? Kill somebody? Is he on the lam?"

“Sorry, dude. Nothing exciting like that. Nothing for you to sell out your blog for. He was on sabbatical here. Temporary gig. He’s going home."

“But we were born here! This is home!!"

“Not for him."

“Well, whoop-de-doo. How come I gotta go? I like it here! What gives him the right to tell me where to go and what to do?"

“Ah … the ‘Delete’ key?"

“Damn. Christ, there’s always something. What’s Maine got that Berkeley ain’t, that we gotta do this?"

“Y’mean, besides a job?"

“Yeah. There’s jobs everyplace."

“As if you’d know anything about it. Let’s see, what’d he tell me …?"

“He talks to you?"

“Yeah. One of us has ears ‘side of his head, ‘stead of wings he uses to fly in a world all his own."

“Maine, dude. What’s in Maine?"

“Hmmm … Mosquitoes. Plenty of those."

“Ack!"

“’Cept in the fall, then they go away."

“Phew."

“To be replaced by the yellowjackets."

“WHAT?!?"

“But they only last ‘til frost. Then the snow comes."

“SNOW?!?"

“Yeah. Snow. And not the stuff you would shoot through your nose if you could get your hands on any. Sometimes I thank God for poverty. Real snow. The kind that falls from the sky."

“For how long?!?"

“Er, lessee, what’d he say? ‘Starts in November, ends in April if you’re lucky.’ Only six months."

“You’re not making me very happy, dude."

“But it will make you healthy, dude. Real fit and strong. ‘Cause all that snow’s gotta be shoveled. So you can get anywhere."

“Oh, man! Next thing you’re going to tell me, there aren’t any chicks in Maine!"

“What do you care? You never brought any home here!"

“But at least a dude can look. And you gotta admit there’s something to look at in Berkeley. Year ‘round, dude. None of this snow stuff. Geez."

“Well, relax, dude. Of course there’s chicks in Maine."

“Finally! Some good news."

“’Course they’re all older than O Ceallaigh."

“WHAT?!?"

“Great place for retired people. Oldest state in the nation, O Ceallaigh tells me."

“I’M NOT GOING, DUDE!! I’M STAYING RIGHT HERE!!!"

“ ‘Delete’.“

“Jesus God, man! I’m being repressed."

“Tough shit, peasant. Into the car with you."

“Can’t we at least fly?"

“Not with the science gear O Ceallaigh’s hauling. And just think, if he ever lets you out during this trip, all the pay blog fodder you’ll be getting. Heartland stuff, you know. Corn, soybeans, more corn, more soybeans …"

“Enough, enough, ENOUGH. Just get this over with, already!"

   - O Ceallaigh

Copyright © 2006 Felloffatruck Publications. All wrongs deplored.

All opinions are mine as a private citizen.