That’s a bit of butchered dialog from the movie ‘The Fountain’ (which I’m still watching. Damn, I hope it gets easier to follow!) But, it kind of amused me to hear it since it’s basically the basis of the chaos theory. We’ve all heard it; a butterfly flaps it’s wings and it causes a typhoon on the other side of the world. I’m intrigued by all the quantams ~ physics, mechanics and cosmos's. But, the chaos theory is a real mind bender. Just imagine spending your whole life chasing these wonderful “what if’s” and trying to pin down the unpinable into a rock solid truth. How can chaos be measured? It would be like living your life chasing a fantasy that’s grounded in reality. How wonderful that would be.
I try my best to marvel at the world. When I’m out I try to pay attention to the other people around me ~ I try to see their lives and the bubble they all live in. The bubble we all live in. How often do we ever stop to take in the fact that the rest of the world keeps going on regardless of our circumstance? Most often it’s in times of crisis. When we’re at our lowest is the time that we notice the world and stare in envy. After the hurricane I’d see other mothers at the store struggling with their kids or worrying about gardens or the electric bill. I’d evy them their normal worries. I’d envy their normal family life issues. Now, I try never to forget that feeling. Whenever things are going well ~ going according to plan ~ I try to remember a small prayer for those who might be in envy of me at that moment. It can all be put on it’s ear at any second.
Life is so great and powerful, yet so fragile. We all get so caught up in the everyday B.S. that ultimately undermines our bigger picture. We get caught up to the point of forgetting what our big picture is. But, how can we not? There is so much information ~ too much information ~ too much that we’re supposed to care about. The children starving in Africa. The starving children with AIDS in Africa. The starving children with AIDS left with no parents in Africa. What about Bosnia? Don’t forget about Russia. Should we fear Putin? Oh, but wait, we really should focus on terrorism, right? Oh God, but there’s still millions of homeless right here in our own country. We should worry more about that, shouldn’t we?
Several years ago I used to listen to this radio show. The host was this woman called Delilah. She would play music to fit whatever was going on with the callers that night. I stopped listening the night a young girl called in and said her grandma had died and she wanted something fitting to that situation. What the host played was ‘The Circle of Life’ from ‘The Lion King’. To me, what that said was ~ “Gee kid, sorry your grandma died, but it’s all for the greater good, ya know?”. During that time the world stopped for that girl. She became a different person the moment her grandma died. So, in that way, death was the form of creation.
So, how do we find the focus to realize our bigger picture? We all have one, but the hard part is finding it and holding on to it. Or, are we just wasting a lot of precious time? Time that could be spent seeing the chaos theory come to life in a childs discovery of butterflies? Time that could be spent memorizing the very last detail of a lover’s face? Or time spent in wonder of time itself. It’s said that God’s greatest gift is our minds. So, should our gift be put to use in action or theory?
I’ve recently gained a new role model, Ammorton. I’ve had them before, just like most people. But, my role model’s of the past had one thing in common. Their focus on one thing ~ career. This time of motionless agony has redirected my attention to the “smaller things”. Like, my daughter rolling in the grass, simply for the sake of rolling. Watching her make the hundreds of daily discoveries has revitalized me in wondrous ways. Ammorton seems to have figured this out long ago. She finds balance & fulfillment in her home life and outside world life and makes it look simple. And, it is. Her life is grand and full because she knows what it “all” means. It’s about life and chaos and life AS choas. It’s not just to ride the rollercoaster, but to live the rollercoaster.
My strives to become my ideal ~ my version of greatness ~ well, they suddenly seem so much less important than creating greatness through being alive. Even that job with the BBC seems almost undesirable. All the hours lost; spent in a room with other people who write about lives they’re missing out on. All the discoveries made by characters the writers envy. My goal has always been to make something wonderful for myself and to teach my children (by example) to reach for the stars. To live their lives to the fullest. But, have I really been teaching them to be much less fulfilled? I guess we’ll see.
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