Dear Children,
It's time to tell you the truth. Christmas is coming and I have your lists memorized. A. wants a lifelike pony toy that makes crunching noises when you feed it a fake carrot. I love this one because I put my fingers into it's mouth, and when it makes the crunching noise, it sounds like the horse is breaking my finger bones. It makes me laugh. S. wants Legos. But I'm afraid that this year, you will not get anything for Christmas. It's not that you were bad, and it's not that I don't love you. But it's time to clue you into the state of the world.
The economy is bad. I know that doesn't mean much at ages 8 and 5, but what it means is that the Pony from China and the Legos from The Netherlands cost more than they should. I know this sucks, but there is a bright side. If I bought you the toys, you would just get lead poisoning from the paint that makes the toys look so shiny and new. Or maybe the pony is stuffed with asbestos. Then again, even those are preferable to Aquadots. I don't think they are all plotting in some back room, rubbing their hands together and cackling about how many American kids they are poisoning. It's just that Americans still haven't realized that the money isn't worth as much as it used to be. They still want that Barbie playhouse to cost $40, and well, the only way to do that is to make it more cheaply. Cheap toys=cheap plastic=cheap lives.
I'm just not sure there are any toys that are safe, and even if they are, I can't afford them. I'd be happy to whittle you a toy train, but I'm afraid that I don't know how to whittle. I've never seen the point when a block of wood cost more than a piece of plastic.
When you were born, I said I'd give you the whole world. I can't apologize enough for that.
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