Continuation of Dating and mistakes...and certainly what not to do.

So, I don't think I forgot any of the kissing bandits :) .... so, lets get to Chuckles...

Oh, crap, there was the guy I worked for at the autobody shop, he was older and he "would" have tried something but that didn't happen. We were in my car one night, I forget even why and he was doing that whole subtle pass thing. But, nothing happened there at all... I again, didn't know how to deal with that situation. But the good news is that nothing major happened there at all.

So. Chuckles who wasn't all that funny, worked across from the body shop, and he'd drive by in his big truck during the day. He was a dark italian looking guy, really gruff, my one friend said he scared her but ... and I guess :) looking back he was kinda gruff. Tatoo's etc., and that big truck. Which really was a piece of shit. But who knew? Like I mentioned in my first post today, every one I knew had some kind of peice of shit we were all kids. But the difference, which wasn't all that apparent to me at the time was that he was 30. He was also goign through a divorce. Even showed me the divorce decree when it was over.

Anyway... we dated I guess about 6 months or so, and he kept trying to have sex with me and I wasn't ready. By this point I was about 18 years old. At some point in there I'd run into my old boyfriend Eddie, probably I went by his house or something or we ran into one another some place. I'd probably chose the first one... anyway, guy number 1 the drug addict who was 30. We'll call him guy number one... he was so mean. And I always found myself trying to do things he suggested. LIttle stuff... like, you know, how come I never wore a skirt... I thought well, okay I can do that. Bought a skirt he'd say my ass looked too fat, I thought he was kidding at my 130 tight as a drum self... know what I mean? Then he wasn't and I left the house in tears of course. We'd gone on a date to this restaurant ... my first like, real restaurant date :) (that's cute) and I felt spoiled at one point. He was very uh... he was on drugs. And I didn't know the extent of his drug usage at the time either. Nor was I very aware of how bad drugs really were at that time. I just didn't know.

So. I forget why we broke up, I mean he wouldn't even talk to me at one point and that bothered me immensely. In the meantime, Eddie and I got together and every now and then I'd go over to visit guy number 1's mom. She was really cool actually and I'd go when #1 wasn't home. Course, now I realize that this was my way of "still being there" if you will, and we had a hellofagoodtime making fun of the girls he was going with. I met the one girl who went through the living room with him one day and I wasn't jealous at all me and his mom and his dad actually laughed at her. And I promptly, clown that I was got up and mimicked her walking. :) heh... oh my goodness...

ooooooooooooooh... I remember why we broke up. He was my first, that's what broke us up. He was always "nagging" me to have sex and finally after 6 months we did, and I'd asked him to stop because I was a bit sore, and he said, did I mind if he got off first ... Can you just imagine that shit? Can you just imagine that I had no one to talk to and couldn't comprehend this kind of behavior either? I mean... my god, what was I thinking? And all for what? Love? oh ... boy right? Poor kid...

So, he also accused me at that time of actually not being a virgin either! Because of the way I moved he said. Now I've always been pretty wiggly :) must have been all that kissing and necking, but I could move on the dance floor too so, a'm thinking it was just a natural thing, that whole moving thing. So needless to say that left me feeling pretty shitty. And of course, after an 8 month split, guess what? We got back together... oh boy right?

ugh... As I mentioned I ran into Ed, or went over his house and we got together and we were together almost 9 months (I think) My first time w/Eddie was much much nicer, (of course) and I cried. That was really sad, ya know?

So, we had a relationship, me and Ed and we even opened up this little join savings account for a vacation or something cool we'd like to do. Yes, I gave him back his half afterwards of course, when we broke up.

Guy #1 all of a sudden started to talk to me, and you can imagine, little naive me feeling quite thankful about that. I mean, I hadn't done anything wrong! And I was right... and I wish I had, had someone at that time to talk to, to discuss things with who could have advised me about this nonsense.

Anyway, he started talking to me again and I was all confused. Here I was happy with Ed and this butt starts talking to me again, then Ed crowded me because I told him that I wasn't sure what I wanted. I was really honest with him about what had happened and everything. So, he started showing up at my job, and just being there all the time. Now... I don't know about you but when a person says, give me room to think, give them room. Because each time he showed up, it pushed me farther in the other direction. Guy number 1 well he had the right idea he just sat back and waited for me to show up. And, eventually I did. Crap right? ugh... what in the hell was I thinking?

Well, I had nothing to go on. I mean common sense would have said, Hey, you know what are you doing? This guys' a jerk and he's so much older and you guys don't have anything in common, but you know? I think it's important to consider how at this point, my friends had boyfriends and they were off doing their thing, so us just being together seemed like it was enough.

We had this pattern that I certainly fed into of fighting and then he'd leave, course we'd get back togehter and then I caught on and figured well, hell I want to go out so I'll start a fight and I'll leave LOL :) Now ain't that just stupid as hell? yes, I know it was, you dno't have to tell me that.

The second time that me and this guy went out, after like a month or so, I went out with Ed and we had sex and yaaaaaaaaah, I cheated on guy #1 and lived with that guilt for the next few years. But now, see... the reason I cheated was because again, I wasn't being treated well... and I had a really difficult time, figuring out what the hell I was doing wrong. I mean, we argued all the time. Me usually fighting to not feel controlled or like I "was" younger and him being like, he thought he knew best... well bite me buddy, you're still living at your momma's house ... (ooopsie, did I say that out loud)

I wasn't happy and I couldn't figure that out. What I didn't realize was I more than likely should have chosen the other guy. Ed... but, I didn't. I don't regret, so it's clear ... that I have gone through some of these things. I mean, I just didn't know any better.

What you had was a good girl... who had no guidelines or someone to talk to about what was okay and what wasn't. All I seemed to keep doing during this particular time frame was fighting and being confused. And then going out and doing my own thing.

Now, enters this fella Martin. He worked (yah, life sure gets busy doesn't it?) at the place I was at and in order to meet me he dropped this florecsent bulb on the opposite side of my desk and it sprayed all over me and my desk. Way to meet a girl huh? LOL hahaha! That's still pretty damned funny.

So, now, this guy... who dugh, liked me but wasnt good for me either. He played head games folks, and it wasn't until about 5 years ago I figured that boy out. That's a whole nother story now isn't it? Yup... So, me and this guy were really good friends and he used to sit patiently and listen to me talk about Guy #1 adn all my problems and stuff, and that was very helpful to me at the time. Because I finally had someone to talk to right? Sure.

And ... oh my, guess who ended up kissing this guy? OH! me... nice huh? Well, why should this shock anyone? I was not happy. But instead of breaking it off with Guy #1, I dragged that mess out ... and so did he actually, we just kept showing up in one anothers life. We'd break up, we'd get back together. It was just ... really fucked up. I know that now, part of me, at the time it progressed through to when I was 20 (still a baby as far as I'm concerned) and where was I? Oh, instead of breaking it off with this guy, the games that were played were just ridiculous.

Now Guy #1 followed me over to martins one time then went back there and knocked on the door and filled their heads with all kinds of lies about me. Wow, that was interesting as hell as I had to defend myself. But to be fair, I'd knocked on this one girls house's door who he'd dated too and said "hello" and she told me all kinds of goodies. Matter of fact, Guy #1 told me at one point and time to go and find out from his wife (who he was divorced from) about him. So :) heh... 2 years later I did.

I could go on and on with just this ONE guy... man you want to talk about "stupid" stuff, immature, just ridiculous stuff? I could go on for pages and pages AND pages...

He tried to get back into my life on so many occassions after our last break up and even years later, I'd had this peice of property in my name that he'd put and I gave it to my dad because he owed my dad money, and after my dad passed away I thought, I don't want this damned property, I should just give it back. Why did I need to be paying taxes on a piece of property that I had no use for? Trust me it was an oddly shaped lot adjacent to a jail yard in NY State so I really did not need it. But that story is for when I get up to the age of 26 isn't it. :) We got LOTS of years to go here yet...

In the mantime my dad moved/retired to Fla, I was just about to turn 21. He left in like March I think. And I moved in with a friend of mine. So, "then" all the while Guy #1 was still trying to get together with me and also this guy Gary, who I've never kissed LOL (that sounds kinda funny doesn't it?) was all mad at me because we started to hang out, and I'd known him in highschool so he thought he hadda shot. And I just did not give that boy a hint of any interest at all. That was totally all in his head.

So many men, so little time...

At this point, thinking back... I was ... well, still probably an emotional train wreck but I didn't know that. I started to date my friends brother. :) ooh wee! how convenient was that? He and I didn't hit it off too good, after the sex, and this goes to "do not have sex unti lyou know you like someone for who they are really" that was a bit of a mess... not a "huge" one but that should never have happened.

Now, I moved out of my friends house got an apartment, and ... what no men? LOL ... Not that I can totally recall at the moment. I do remember that my friends brother came over for christmas and I don't know, what I was doing at the time. I know I'd started this one job and this guy, cute fella (uh oh, kissing again?) yup... was my boss, but he was cute, and he was only 26 and I was 21. Well thank god, "finally" someone close to my age? Holy shit!

I didn't really like him though... I liked him, but he wasn't for me. We did have fun playing and going out to dinner and stuff. He was a bit ... clingy for me. That got on my nerves a bit... so, I just stopped working there adn then we made up when he had to send me a check or get my SS# for his taxes and stayed friends. He was agreat listener just like the guy who broke the bulb all over me above here. And that's just what me and this guy did, we'd talk about our relationships etc., together. Guy #1, was still kind ain the picture trying to get back into my life. I was done but he didn't catch on for a while.

I had to move out of my apartment, and a friend of mine had come up to stay with this other fella I knew, who was friends with Ed and I'd set them up. So, she was staying with him and "he" hadda roommate. Sexy bastard this guy was and great in bed! MY GOD! :) I mean... talk about fireworks. Oh, but guess what?

He, was in NA Narcotics annonymous... ugh... and they all said, don't marry this guy, But guess what? I did anyway. And only a few months after we'd met. Course, there I was no place to live, he showed up I could live there and my dad was gone, and there I was flappin in the breeze feeling lost and having no clue that I "was" lost in the first place. He had "alot" of issues. Yah :) Like I didn't at this point?

I mean, at this point, I was still and still am today a good girl, just making bad choices and figuring that everything would work out. The depth of how naive that I could be ... was amazing considering all I'd gone through.

This guy turned out to be verbally and physically abusive. ugh right? It just gets better'n'better and it fell into kind of the same "pattern" of relating as Guy #1 cept Guy #1 only did the drugs and "never" went to NA ... hahahaha! you just have to find the humor in THAT! Can ya? :)

So for the next year and a half I tolerated bad behavior, cheating, lying manipulation and all kinds of bullshit and all the while knowing it was going to be time to leave eventually because I'm just not geared that way. And I tell ya, it's almost as if it were a game... to see who could win, who was going to control or not do something due to the other... I mean there were "so" many problems.

But, do you know what? His sister "told me" in front of him, not to marry him... I thought she was just being mean. HAHAHA!!@!! You Just have to love the funniness of how naive I really was ... I mean, my god, wsn't I listening? We even went to an NA meeting and they told us the same thing! And guess what? I did it anyway...

Now, we hvae to keep in mind that since my household was abusive "nobody" was going to "tell me" anything to do or not to do, even if it was for my own good. I was just so damned tired of bullshit, I thought... well, I'm going to do this and we did.

Do you know, what's truly funny about all of htis, even though I know that it is "not" funny? Is that there is this level of naiveness that I still have today, although I don't miss much to be honest there's that other side that takes over and just walks away so I have learned, but that astounds me as I look book.

I had such faith, in others, in spite of what I'd been through up till 23.5 years old (and then my dad died, that was awful) that it's still amazing to me, to this moment that I could look at a person and miss certain things.

Course, we always want to believe that this next person is going to be a better cohice we just never defined what our choices truly WERE ... right? Right...

Now I have alot more... to say. I have to say, the last relationship that I was in, almost 5 years ago, as bad as that regression was ... he woke me up. He is one of the reasons that I am as healthy today (believe it or not :)) emotionally than ever before in my entire life. I think, so much better now, I still have bad days but how we think is really important. Knowing who we are is really important, stopping to look back, which I've done in my head but not on paper like this, IS very important and I'd suggest anyone whose struggling in their life to take the time to do this. Because ... as you can see, good girl that I truly meant to be ... I had no clue what the problem was. I didn't get it... I didn't know.

In this last relationship that I'll get too because that's 10 more years of mistakes inbetween this marriage and the last boyfriend (ain't that something? 10 more years ... that's just a shame) He'd asked me on our first date, what I was looking for and I couldn't answer him, And then he grilled me one day on how man ypeople I'd slept with... well, I said 7 :) that number seemed okay with him.... course I made it up because I knew I'd hvae to hear about it later if I told the truth. Not that, mind you, THAT was any of his business I just told him 7 so he'd shut the hell up. Course I brought that on myself, I like to talk and I'd tell stories aobut my past that I thought were funny in the getting to know you stages and stuff and this boy, was so quick ... he started doing the math in his head. I usually use age as my time line for what I was doing. And he caught onto that pretty quick ... But, we'll get to this fella later... probably pages and pages later.

It was, however, because of that last mess ... that I realized that I had to do something different.

By now, I had a daughter. And my mistakes in relationships were going to reflect on her for the rest of her life. And I couldn't live with that. Coures, how could you live with that? I'd made so many mistakes up to that point and becoming a single parent, and I was just like... My god, if you don't do something you're going to fuck up this kid... and how in the hell are you going to live with yourself if you do that?

I couldn't. That was the answer... adn I'll tell you what, going through personal growth with a child around? That's just challenging. It really is... I mean things start coming up for you and it was just overwhelming, my thought process was that when I got through it, I'd be better so it was worth it but I was very surprised when I started sifting through certain things in my life, how much I'd fucked up, and didn't even see it.

I have always had a problem with feeling alone. It still plagues me today. But I am more aware of it now as an issue for myself. So I don't go repeating mistakes and pay more attention to my choices. And I have to say too, I'm attractive, and this is relevant because it wasn't that difficult for me to find someone else to play with ... and I have to say that this wasn't always the best thing for me.

you know, having the ability to just attract attention and get someone else like that, and usually, as it's appearing after I had sex, I'd have a replacement all lined up... I didn't "cheat" all the time, I just had a replacement. Looking back too, up until this point, there isn't really anyone that I didn't lose that I shouldn't have. So for that, I'm pretty grateful. Imagine had any of this worked out?

I don't even wanna think about it.

But back to the being attractive thing. I mean, that's nice and all, and I'd just meet people ... I'm very outgoing and friendly person, so it wasn't that hard to do. I liked being liked, and I liked kissing :) LOL ... still do, truth be told. I mean, I think about now all the tears that I shed and all the things that I just did not know up until these past 5 years and I'm like... wow.

And then, as things began coming up for me, I was like... but, I'm a good girl. I am a good girl... what happened? Why didn't I learn all of this stuff sooner... how come no one told me? What happened?

I mean, I was there... but it's true, we know we're fighting for "something" during those fights we have with a partner but we don't knwo what we want or what that "something" is.... until way later in life.WEll, I didn't know until way later anyway. But, better late than never I say.

I got some stuff to do... so I'll see ya'll later.

Remind me to talk about guy #1 who got me arrested.

Now ain't that just ... stupider? Coures I bailed me out and he went to jail, I was done. Yah "finally" I know.. I know... shad up please... what'd I know? Nuttin...