Undead Survival Guide's blog

I received a package in the mail today that was addressed to my newborn son. It was from the Devil. How do I know it was from the devil? Aside from the return address…

666 Brimstone Lane
The Abyss

It was actually signed…

‘The Devil’

Ok, that was a fib. It wasn’t actually signed ‘The Devil’. It was signed ‘Grandma’ – But let’s not split hairs…

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Tonight’s episode of last comic standing was a good start to the season – clearing out some of the ‘comedic dead wood.’

The Immunity challenge was a brutal one. The comics were each asked to try to perform while they took turns heckling one another. Anyone who has ever taken the stage to do comedy knows that 90% of what all comics do up there is carefully scripted. It may look spontaneous, but that is just a carefully crafted and intentional illusion which is part of their act. And few things can derail your act like an aggressive heckler.

Normally the comedian has the upper hand simply because they have a microphone, but when your heckler is another comedian, things can and did get pretty intense. While heckling another comic might be fun, few people had a tougher go of it than Chris Porter, whose job was to heckle Josh Blue – a comedian with cerebral palsy.

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My wife and my mother in law have introduced me to a new game - it’s called ‘Garbage Can Jenga’. It’s one of those games that you are a little doubtful about playing at first, but once you get into it, it’s addictive.

Here are the rules:

1. Whenever you go to use the trash container under the kitchen sink and it’s full, do NOT empty it.
2. Take whatever item you have like a banana peel, tin of half eaten tuna or baby diaper and deposit it on top of the heap.
3. Exist the scene undetected and leave the mess for the next person who goes to use it.

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Many of us are already gearing up for this coming Tuesday’s ‘Last Comic Standing.’ During the initial selection round the show picked up some undeniably funny comics, as well as some deadwood in my not so humble opinion. Here is a brief profile of a few of the final 12.

The Funny:

Josh Blue – No he’s not simply a human interest element with his cerebral palsy. He’s got talent and has arguably made his way into the final 12 on straight comic merit.

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The other day I was listening to a George Bush news clip on CNN and oddly enough it got me thinking about ‘Sea Monkeys.’ The connection wasn’t formed by anything he actually said. As a matter of fact he was talking about some proposed military action in Afghanistan that I mistakenly thought Wolf Blitzer was referring to as ‘Operation Mount N’ Thrust’ … I was feeding my baby at the time and he was fussy, so I hope you will excuse my mistaking Wolf’s mentioning of ‘Operation Mountain Thrust’ as some sort of metaphorical title for a plan intended to really give it to Osama.

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I was attacked by a space invader today while shopping at my local grocery. No it wasn’t the pixilated Atari videogame ‘old skool’ style alien, although that would have been pretty nifty. No, my attack came in the form of one of those people who has absolutely no concept of personal space and boundary issues.

This is one of those social rules that we don’t really talk about but that everyone is supposed to understand. You know what I’m talking about, right?

So there I am in the express lane with my ‘9 items or less’ – can I help it if the lineup isn’t moving? And behind me is this 70 year old guy dressed like a retired engineer. I am aware that the lineup isn’t moving. Yes, I too am irritated. But standing so close behind me that I can actually feel your warm moist breath on the back of my neck isn’t really doing much to speed up the process, although it is managing to creep me out.

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I suppose that as far as vices go, being addicted to ‘Last Comic Standing’ is not quite as bad as owning a crack pipe. But it is pretty damn close. Last comic standing is now in its 4th season, and it has suffered some serious problems in the seasons prior. Problems you say? How bad can they be? VERY BAD my friends, very bad indeed…

Let’s start with the host…

This show about struggling comedians trying desperately to make it was originally hosted by Jay Mohr, which is a beautiful piece of irony as Jay Mohr is the very dictionary definition of a ‘struggling comedian’ himself - For exactly how many years are you allowed to be introduced as the co-star of ‘Jerry Maguire’? Doesn’t this title have some sort of shelf life or ‘best before’ expiry date? Shouldn’t you have done something since then, other than sell shoes?

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That’s right. Up here in Canada we aren’t messing around with these terror dudes. You plot to behead the prime minister of Canada and we WILL flick you in the eye – so you better think twice Osama!

Now I acknowledge that being a terrorist is one of the few jobs where ‘not being the sharpest tool in the shed’ may actually be seen as a recruiting perk. Generally, having a high IQ and being willing to strap dynamite to your body do not tend to go hand in hand. However, while stupidity would appear to be the norm for being a professional ‘self detonating guy’ the members of the recently apprehended terrorist cell in Canada appear to have taken the fine art of stupidity to a whole new level.

In a stunning revelation released in a nation wide press release this afternoon, the very bearded, very Muslim looking legal defense team for this group of suicide nut jobs has come out with the stunning allegation that one of their clients was actually ‘FLICKED IN THE EYE’while in custody!!!

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I’ve got a theory – I think that WWF style wrestling is ‘the new ballet.’ WWF Wrestling is the ‘high culture’ of the common man.

Why should Wrestling be seen as High Culture?

WWF Wrestling should be considered high culture because:

• It has costumes worthy of a production Oscar – those fat opera chicks in horned helmets look almost tame by comparison.
• It’s got sex and violence. Don’t think sex, violence and high culture go hand in hand? Better re-read your Shakespeare. In the tales by the most exalted of bards, people get murdered, people get it on, and people get it on with the brother of their husband whom they just murdered. And let us not forget that many of Shakespeare’s plays were originally performed in what could best be described as ‘bawdy houses.’
• It possesses almost operatic levels of melodrama. I mean, who could forget the tragic death of the famous wrestler Owen Hart who fell almost 60 feet to the stage floor when the harness on his aerial wire snapped?

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Why are so many of the women that I know involved with and attracted to guys who don’t seem to meet their basic needs or share their common interests? It’s like some sort of epidemic or malaise. A friend of mine dates this guy for two years, marries him, and then tearfully asks my wife and I why he does not seem enthralled at the prospect of spending hour upon hour of his one day off from work looking at china patterns.

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