Battle of the Wussies: Emo Vs. Hair Metal

OK, this is exciting. I'm taking two of the wussiest music genres of all time, Hair Metal and Emo, and putting them through a grueling test to determine, in my opinion, who is wussier. They will be judged by several categories, and whoever loses the most is the biggest wuss. Let's Play!

Category 1: Hardest Rocking Songs: OK, well Emo doesn't have many ballads, which is a good thing in their favor, but you can't get much more metal than Guns'N'Roses, who came out of the same L.A scene as all the crappier bands of the Hair genre. Just listen to "Welcome to the Jungle" and tell me your face was not fucking melted. What does Emo have to counter? Umm, Fall Out Boy's "Dance, Dance"? Not even close. Loser: EMO

Category 2: Least Weepy Ballads: OK Emo has a few acoustic weepathons such as Plain White Ts' "Hey There Delilah" (which is up there for wussiest song of all time. Can you believe this crap is being played on mainstream pop radio?) BUT Hair metal has more. For awhile in the late 80s, you could not be a successful band if you did not have a power ballad. "Every Rose Has Its Thorn", "Dead Or Alive", To Be With You", "More Than Words"- the list goes on and on. What is Emo's response? Brand New's "Soco Amaretto Lime"? OK, the Emo kids have their way here. Loser: HAIR METAL

Category 3: Most Manly Style: The Hair Metalers had spandex, long hair, and occasional crotch rockets. The Emo kids got eyeliner makeup, diaries, and excessive tearducts. This one is too close to call. But a golden rule: real men do not wear makeup, and boys do not cry. But yet again, boys should not wear crotch leggings. Hmm, this one is a toss up. I'll flip a coin.... Loser: EMO, by default

Category 4: Most Intimidating Persona: Just listen to any Emo song and the winner here is clear. How can a man sing like a whiny little bitch. Sample lyric: "Hate is a strong word, but I really, really,really don't like you" C'mon, probably the wussiest lyric of all time. Meanwhile I would not want to mess with Axl Rose, Motley Crue, and Dee Snider. They are all ass-kicking men. I would love to see them all gang up and kick Pete Wentz's scrawny little ass. Loser: By a landslide, EMO

Category 5: Cooler Original Scene: Currently, Emo doesn't really have a defined "Scene"- its just swallowed up by suburban teens in malls across America. Whereas Hair Metal had the Sunset Strip of the 1980s, a scene where wild parties ruled supreme, busty babes were plentiful, and egos ran rampant. You'd think that Hair Metal would be another landslide winner here. But wait... upon further research of Emo's origins, I've found that its first bands came from the DC hardcore scene of the late 80s. A scene which included such heavy ass-kickers as Henry Rollins and Black Flag, Bad Brains, Minor Threat, and Fugazi. The Hair Metal scene suddenly imploded when Grunge came out in 1992. It just blew over, whereas the hardcore scene remained as an offshoot of the original Emo bands. Therefore, in the upset of the day, Loser: HAIR METAL, by a hair

OK It all comes down to this. This is Emo's last chance. They've come back valiantly from an almost certain defeat.
Category 6: Best Musical Ability: OK, My Chemical Romance's latest "opus" Black Parade is an attempt to show the world that these Emo kids have something to say musically. Them, unlike most of their peers, are at least trying to be artistic. But Hair Metal has magnum opuses galore. From GNR's epic "November Rain" to the virtuosic guitar solos of almost every Hair Metal song. As cheesy as the music is, there's no denying that it takes intense musical precision to pull off. You can hear the corporate money, blood, sweat, and tears in every single snare and kick of Def Leppard's "Hysteria". Meanwhile, Emo contains some of the worst musicianship known to man, and does not have an immediate counter. Therefore, in the final knockout punch, Loser: EMO

Here's the final result:
Hair Metal: 2 Losses
Emo: 4 Losses

So sorry Emo, you are the biggest Loser. You've outwussed them all. You are the Wussiest Musical Genre of All Time. I'll see you at the next Hair Metal party. Fucking pussy.

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