Today I had two thrilling opportunities to talk to automated voice attendants. Neither of them went particularly well. The first time I dialed 1-800-FREE-411, which gives out phone numbers for free instead of charging you whatever your cell phone company charges for that service. I wanted the number of my local public pool, which I have called frequently as of late. Unfortunately I misplaced the number, and it is not in the phone book (wonder why?).

The first thing the automated voice asked me was, "Government, business, or residence." Damn, I was stumped right off the bat. What category would you consider a public pool to fall under? I tried "Government." I gave the automated attendant the name of the pool, and got back a number that I was 99 percent sure wasn't right. I tried it. It wasn't. Back to the drawing board.

The next time I picked "Business," and then again I said the name of the pool (Del Rio). The automated attendant said, "I'm sorry. Can you repeat that?"

"Del Rio Pool."

"I'm sorry, can you repeat that?"

"DEL. RIO. POOL!"

Apparently these systems recognize irritation because "she" then said, "I'm sorry. I'll transfer you to a customer service respresentative."

Sadly, the human attendant wasn't much better than the automated one, but I managed to contact the pool via one of the public pools that she did have the number for.

I would say, "I guess you get what you pay for," but since I've had frustrating experiences with automated attendants at banks, doctors offices, and insurance companies, I know that cost doesn't have anything to do with it. Talking to a machine often sucks.

It's bad enough when the automated voice system asks you to press buttons to reach your desired option, but these voice recognition attendants are beyond irritating. This afternoon's call went much better, through no fault of the system itself. I had to call my health insurance company to find out why they paid a total of zero dollars for my son's antibiotic (there's nothing like expecting to spend $10 and getting socked with a $47 bill). As soon as the automated attendant answered, I remembered how difficult it was for me to get to a person who could answer my questions the last time I called them.

Then I was blessed by a fortuitous accident. At the exact moment that the automated voice asked me to recite the first lengthy bit of information, my two-and-a-half-year-old son said from across the room, "Please get these dogs!" My dogs were trying to steal his snack.

Apparently automated voice attendants have great hearing. "He" said, "I'm sorry. I could not understand you. Please repeat your answer."

As I opened my mouth to answer again, my son said, "AH! Dogs! Get them!"

To which the automated voice replied, "I'm sorry. Please wait for a customer service representative."

BINGO!

In about 1.5 seconds, I had a actual person on the line, and my question was answered in about two minutes.

Now I know how to deal with voice recognition attendants. The next time I reach one I'm going to say, "AHHHHH," or "purple french fries," or "supercalifragilisticexpealidocious" over and over until I get a person. Feel free to do the same.