If you don't like rants, don't read.

I love my mom, but I want to kill her.

I of course say this in jest, but right now I feel like ripping my hair out. I know I know nothing, and I'm trying very hard to see things from her perspective, but tonight, I felt a little angry.

The subject: finances
Danger Level: 5 of 6

I am about to launch myself into a fifth year of college. I know college is expensive. I have paid about a third of it out of my own pocket. The other third was paid by loans, the last third by my mother. When I began thinking of this crazy scheme of taking another year in order to finish my two degrees (two, because I'm insane) I went to my mother: heroine, financial guru, friend and the person who knows how to push all my buttons and does so without warning. I said, Mom, I'm thinking of a fifth year. When I began college, you told me you would help me with four years, and I'm not asking you to pay for another year, but could you help me figure out a loan so I can pay my last year?

Never, ever, use the "L-Word" around my mother.

She didn't want me to take out a loan. She had a point. Debt is not something to take lightly. Sanity is, however, and besides going to school part time (and of course working my ass off during breaks) I had no way to pay for the final year. I work, I volunteer, I go to classes. My life is insane. I have NO spare time. I have a dream: vet school. I want in. To get in, you need to be spectacular. Awesome grades, awesome experiences. You need to stick out from the herd. I have devoted the last four years of my life to sticking out from the herd, and this last semester I took on too much. Short and sweet, there was much stress and crying and then several sweet days of watching television and not thinking. Finances, family, and the threat of the future had crushed me. I knew I could address at least one of those things.

So, why don't we take out a loan, mom?

In the end, she said she would be glad to help me out. I asked her if she was sure, and she said yes. She is really leery of loans, and she is right. I'm fine with this. What I'm not fine with, is someone agreeing to something with me and then not doing it, or helping me out of a tough spot and then rubbing the fact that I needed help in my face. Just tell me you don't want to help me, and be done with it. I'm twenty-two, for christ's sake. I can handle myself. Inexpertly, but I can do it, dammit.

She did the "rubbing of my face in it" thing tonight. I am nettled, but I'm not trying to act ungrateful. This woman has done more than a lot for me. But I was irritated. I went to talk to her about next semester, saying that I was interested in taking a class that had additional costs. The class is pretty cool, one that takes you down to the Virgin Islands and you get to do actual field research (I'm a Bio Major). To be plain, it cost $1800. AND I DID NOT SAY THIS LIGHTLY. I realize it was extra. 1800 is nothing to sneeze at. It would look pretty on my resume, be a great experience, and it was something I had had my eye on since Freshman year. It would be fun. I don't get out much, and this seemed a good way to get out. There is also the oncoming costs of grad and vet school applications.. ($30-60 each!) on top of the regular stuff...so this semester was going to be expensive.

Now, I was not implying that she take on the entire financial burden of my frivolous college career. I was seeking her insight, gleaned from her greater experience in all things financial, as to how I would go about paying for my goals. I should have perhaps explained this at the beginning, as she suddenly got really pissed.

She called me selfish and ungrateful in three different ways, implied that I didn't know what work was and how she had never got to go to college. She said I was going "over the top" with my undergraduate career. She said I better realize that she was going to start thinking more about herself and what she wanted, in sort of a nasty way.

I thought this unfair. Maybe she had taken a nightcap or five. Maybe she, in some way, was right. I'm trying to be fair to her here. I'm not trying to paint her as evil, because she really is a nice lady. But I know this: I do work hard. I hold up my end of the financial nonsense. I try not to ask her for money for anything. I try really hard to please her. I agree that she should take some time to enjoy life. I know I have my faults and I am stupid about some things, which is why I go to her for advice, and that I owe her my life and more, but does she really have to rub my nose in it? When I didn't do anything?

Perhaps it was the straw that broke the donkey's back. She's been under a lot of pressure (we all have) due to family issues. My sister just brought home a puppy without telling anyone, owes my mom money and is also in college. My mom is pissed my sister is going to Mexico and Florida without paying her back first, a point that I can understand. Needless to say there's a lot of stuff going on, but I got the shout treatment for it. I can understand the need to vent. I understand why even if I'm not at fault, yet I still get irritated, because dammit I'm human too.

My revenge: I'm point-blank refusing any more financial help from them. This serves several purposes. One, it takes the load off of them, no more complaints, no more bitching me out and saying "I told you so" and basically slapping me across the face. Two, it gives me financial freedom. Odd, a loan giving me financial freedom. That damn loan is worth it. It deals in simple terms that I can understand. Pay me or go to jail. I get that. I also like the thought of monthly payments extended over several years after school. I can deal with it then. I can work with it without being bundled up into an emotional knot.

My revenge might be stupid, but it's my life and I'll mess it up as I see fit, and although she didn't want me to do it, ultimately it helps her in the end. So there.