Are You a PARENT or a FRIEND?

... the paradigm for parenting was Old Testament. "Spare the rod and spoil the child". Taken literally. King George VI of England had a horrible stutter, attributed to his brutal (and socially normal) upbringing at the hands of his domineering father, George V ("I feared my father, and my children will fear me"). No one thought much of this when the child who became George VI was growing up ... because he was the second son, to languish forever in some obscure dukedom someplace out of the way. Then the eldest son, Edward VIII, took up with this older divorced COMMONER (shock horror!!) and abdicated the throne. George VI was thrust onto the throne - and smack into the middle of the Nazi threat that became the Second World War. That he coped was utterly amazing - and largely attributed to his wife, Elizabeth (mother of the current Queen).

The Baby Boomers were raised "so that the world may never face these troubles again". One of the first troubles they dispatched were troublesome parents with rules. Two generations later we are at the opposite pole from George V, and experiencing the consequences.

The parent who responds to every issue with a beating, and the one who responds to every issue with a gift, is actually committing the same error IMO. Neither is paying attention. They are applying a system mindlessly, without looking at the whole picture, without taking the time to know what their child is about and giving that child what is needed (which, especially in the teen years, is usually 180 degrees removed from what is wanted).

What's worse, "monkey see, monkey do" applies. The parent that gives gifts will beget the child that gives gifts. Any other strategy, be it argued by seventeen Nobel laureates plus Dr. Phil, will seem strange, foreign, unnatural. Whether it actually works or not.

Somewhere else on BP, Myspaceoryours argued for "parenting licences". I've spoken of "procreation licenses", which is about the same thing. Like the idea better all the time ...

I always believed that it was easier being a parent if you had strict rules. I learned it was easier to say NO and mean it. Many parents are wishy washy, and can easily be convinced to change their minds. Hence young people know that they can manipulate the parent/s. To be a friend to a child, is another phase of parenthood. You can do it at the same time but there are new boundaries to create.

It seems to me that you can be a friend and a parent from birth until the early teens. Then you need to switch into parent mode. Once the child is in their 20's they are capable of caring for themselves and you can be a friend then. Although I am 25 and still rely on my mom for plenty of advice.
I have really lost a lot of respect for the parents who try to be "cool" parents to their children. And I can honestly say, that the children of "the cool parents" end up being unsuccessful. I think this is based on having the opportunity to party 24/7 and an early introduction into the "adult" world.
Many people argue this point. My friend Rich's dad was one of the "cool parents" growing up. I still do see him time to time. The last time we talked was shortly after I had my son. He said to me, "Think of all the fun things that are ahead of you - your sons first club. His first beer. His first joint. Those are the things that he'll remember for the rest of his life."
And ya know what, Rich's dad is right. Those are the things a child will remember about his parents, but not my child.