21 Steps to Brushing a Two-Year-Old's Teeth (or not)

1. Buy an ADA approved toothbrush and toothpaste kit with some cute bear on it.
2. Show your toddler the tooth brushing equipment and explain how and why you’ll be using it.
3. Catch your child after he snatches the toothbrush and runs away with it.
4. Apply a small amount of the special, flavored, non-fluoridated toothpaste to the brush.
5. Ask your child to open his mouth so that you can brush his teeth.
6. Ask your child to PLEASE open his mouth so that you can brush his teeth.
7. Attempt to open your child’s mouth to brush his teeth.
8. Dampen a cloth to remove the toothpaste from your child’s lips, cheeks, and hair, and various areas of your bathroom and person.
9. Reapply the toothpaste and employ your spouse to attempt to open your child’s mouth.
10. Re-dampen the cloth and re-clean the child, yourself, and your spouse.
11. Hand the child the toothbrush and allow him to chew on it. Hope that this removes some of the Oreos from his teeth.
12. Return to the store and purchase one of those lightweight, plastic wear-over-your-finger toothbrushes.
13. Apply toothpaste and try to slip the brush between your child’s pursed lips.
14. Get out the band-aids, antibiotic ointment, and perioxide to treat your bite wound.
15. Hand your child the bear toothbrush for more gnawing while you recover.
16. Return to the store. Purchase special spinning Spiderman toothbrush, which costs more than any toothbrush you’ve ever owned.
17. Stare at the Spiderman toothbrush, talk about the special “Spiderbrush� and plan with your child about how cool it will be to clean his “Spiderteeth.�
18. Apply toothpaste.
19. Ask your child to please, please, please open his mouth.
20. Move toothbrush around quickly in open mouth, all-the-while giving thanks to whichever deity lords over toddlers’ teeth.
21. Consider yourself lucky and make an appointment with a pediatric dentist.